Chapter 2, Entry V

Dear Diary, things have been so difficult lately.  I have had some good days and moments, but overall it's not been good and has been pretty much a constant struggle.  Why?  It's all about overly negative people and their nasty effects on you.  What do you do when you have someone in your life very close to you that tends to be a very boring, self-centered, egotistic, demanding, chauvinistic and negative person?  Especially when you yourself are dealing with Bipolar II and have a lot of depression and anxiety issues?  I mean you wouldn't have alcohol around for alcoholics or drugs for drug attics would you?  You wouldn't expect or want that for someone dealing with those issues.  But this is exactly what is going on with me.   You see, that is me, I deal with Bipolar II and the depression and anxiety that comes with it.  I need to be around peppy, upbeat, happy, positive, easy-going, go-getter's in life because that tends to bring and keep me up out of my depression and anxiety. Negative people are bad for me.  Just as alcohol and drugs are bad news to alcoholics and drug attics. 

Yet each and every day I deal with some form of negativity.  And not only that, but he pushes my buttons, he knows what I deal with and doesn't make any effort.  We never get out of this house.  Literally, we may go out of this house somewhere together once every 3 or 4 months to eat, but other than that, we do NOT go out of the house.  Only time I go out is by myself to run my errands, walk my dog or what ever it is I need to do, but that is the extent of it.  I/we have no life to speak of.  We have no entertainment neither inside this home nor outside.  And this is on top of the negative attitude, the chauvinism I deal with, the cynicism, the egotism, sarcasm and the being self-centered.  On top of it all, he has no desire to change, no goals, no dreams, no ambitions no nothing.  So what exactly is one to do? 

Well you would probably say leave.  Yes, that would be the obvious answer.  If it was only that simple, but it's not.  I don't want to hurt him, he is not a horrible person, he is just not for me.  Also, I am scared to be alone, scared of growing old alone.  But the biggest issue is money!  I can't afford to be own my own.  I don't want to live in some slum of a neighborhood.  I want to feel and be safe.  I would like to stay in Roanoke.  Also, back before my spending got under control and before I went on disability my credit was butchered, so I still have a bad record with many people, including utility companies and such.  So I can't even get electricity on my own. 

So tell me, what is one to do?  It is not that easy, it is never easy as it seems.  I wish I could just leave, but I can't.  I'm getting worse day by day and don't know what I can do.  I fear that eventually, I won't be able to come out of this because I go so far down I can't get out.  I know enough to know something has to change, and the only change I see is removing the negativity from my life...that's the answer.  I just don't see how I can.  I just don't know what to do at this point.