Chapter 3, Entry 19

Today is Thursday, December 1, 2011.  Now that it's December it feels official...Christmas time is here, so now I feel the pressure and stress, not to mention depression is starting to set in.  I'm feeling the stress of finances, shopping and dealing with crowds, missing family, dealing with traffic, cleaning, putting up Christmas decorations and cooking. Christmas just isn't a good time of year for me. Just dealing with the finances of Christmas alone is depressing. This time of the year is a day to day battle for me.

I don't feel like decorating, cleaning, cooking or shopping.  And all the people going around talking about Christmas and how happy they are just makes me more depressed.  I envy what they have because I don't have it.  Christmas is suppose to be a happy and joyful time of year, when all I feel is stress and depression. 

I was already feeling pressure towards the end of November, but now that December is here it will be worse.  More and more people are talking about shopping, decorating and family.  None of those things are joyful for me, except family would be if I actually got to see them, but I don't even get to see my family for Christmas.  And the thought of going out shopping and dealing with the crowds and traffic horrifies me. 

I really don't know how I'm going to deal with it except to take things one day at a time like I usually do.  It's just that this time of year is particularly harder than any other time of the year.  On top of it all, my husband hates Christmas, so that doesn't make it easier.  If he were to be into Christmas and make it a happier time for me, then it would help me, but he just doesn't care.  How I married someone who hates Christmas is beyond me.  I never would have thought I would have.  I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. 

About the only thing I'm getting done right now is work.  I occasionally work a day or two here and there on the weekends and I barely get through that.  Only thing that gets me through that is because I need the money.  Matter of fact, I work the next two days and I'm so stressed about it already.  I have been all week.  I'm just going to do the best I can to make it through the next two days and think of the money. 

I am still not certain I am even going to put the tree up, not to mention I have no room.  But everyone says I should.  Shopping will probably be last minute.  And sadly, cleaning and cooking probably won't happen.  At least that's how it's looking now.  Well I guess that's all for now.  I'm just going to try and relax as much as I can the rest of the day before having to work the next two days.  Hopefully, I will be successful in calming down some.  So until next time.

 

Chapter 3, Entry 18

Today is Tuesday, November 15, 2011.  I've been feeling a little stressed and anxious.  My son was in a car accident and on top of it he only had liability insurance.  So first I was worried about him being hurt, but he's okay.  But he has lost his car, so now I'm worried enough for the both of us.  He's out of a car, so now he's going to have to go out and buy a new one which I'm worried about because I'm afraid he can't afford a car payment or full coverage insurance. 

So how do I stop this anxiety and worry?  He's my son and I worry.  I don't know how to stop this, but it's eating me up inside.  I'm feeling depressed and have headaches and I feel so anxious...I feel nauseated.  This is real life, not something I'm making up or something that will just go away.  It's real. 

I'm also worried about a new demo I have coming up.  I've never done this particular one before and I'm really nervous about it.  I'm afraid I won't be good enough and that I'll make a fool of myself.  I'm afraid people will ask me lots of questions to which I have no answers.  I really want to do a good job, but I'm just so anxious about it.  And I believe my feelings have real merit.  I have a real reason to feel that way. 

So as you can see, I'm full of anxiety and worry right now.  I'm feeling very depressed about it, but trying to keep my head above water.  I'm barely holding on.  At this point I don't know what I'm going to do to stop it.  If you can tell me, please do.  In the meantime, I just hope and pray this gets better and things go much better than what I think they will. 

Chapter 3, Entry 17

Today is Thursday, October 27, 2011.  Today I'm feeling a bit ansy about working the next two days.  I'm feeling some stress about it though I don't know why.  I just have that overwhelming feeling.  I know it's the same kind of work...the same thing I always do, so why I feel this way I don't know.  I'm still feeling tired.  I started taking vitamin B12 hoping that will help, it's what friends suggested, so I thought I'd give it a try.  So far, I'm still feeling tired, although I've only been taking it a week.

It really does get tiring feeling this way most of the time.  I wish I could be normal for a change.  On occasion, I feel normal, but it doesn't happen often enough nor stick around long enough.  People just don't know what it's like to feel this way all the time, they don't realize how hard it is.  I try to stay as positive as I can, but some days it just seems impossible.  Some days I really struggle to get through.  Today is one of those days.  I thought maybe if I wrote, I could get some of it out and I would feel better.  I'm going to try to change my outlook the rest of the day and see what happens, hopefully I will feel better.   So until next time. 

Chapter 3, Entry 16

Today is Friday, October 21, 2011 and today I'm feeling very anxious and frustrated.  My mind won't stay focused and I can't think.  I have several blogs I use to write on all the time because I was always needing to get it all out.  Now, I have writer's block.  I can't think at all.  It's been this way for months now and I really don't know what to do about it short of just quit blogging.  I use to get in these very creative moods and could write anything, but lately I just draw a blank.  I still feel a need to be creative, but it just won't come which is very frustrating to me. 

I can hardly even focus to write in my diary let alone a blog.  I try and concentrate, but all I draw is a blank.  And then my mind wanders.  I just get so darn frustrated.  I don't know what to do to get it back.  Writing was really my only hobby and now it seems I don't even have that anymore.  I feel like I'm slowly loosing all my creativity.  I feel like it's slipping away and there's nothing I can do to stop it.  I constantly look at different topics and subjects to see if it will trigger anything in my mind, but still I have no luck.  I just can't think.

I don't know if it's my medicines that have done this to me, but ever since I have been taking them I don't have any energy any more and I seem to have lost my creativity.  But on the flip side, my moods are more stable and I don't get as depressed as what I used to or as often.  And I really can't stop taking my medicine, so that's not the answer, but what is?  I'm having a very hard time concentrating and writing in my diary right now.  I'm really having to push myself just to think.  I don't know what the answer is, but I'll just keep praying for one...that's all I can do. 

Chapter 3, Entry 15

Today is Saturday, October 8, 2011.  I am wanting to get out of the house today, but just the thought of getting ready is preventing me from doing so.  Also, thinking about being around and dealing with people once I am out is another thing preventing me from doing so.  I thought about taking the dog for a walk, but I just feel so exhausted.  And what have I done to feel that way?  Nothing.  And I had the right amount of sleep.  It doesn't matter what I do, I'm always tired.  I am so sick and tired of being tired. 


I told the doctor and they put me on Wellbutrin in case it's either the depression or chronic fatigue syndrome because wellbutrin is typically what is prescribed.  It helped a little bit in the beginning...not much, but a little.  Only that didn't last but a few weeks, then it was right back where I started from.


Then I don't want to have to go out and deal with people by myself.  It makes me a nervous wreck and anxious.  I don't do too bad in the store if everyone stays away from me, but if they come near me or crowd me in an isle, then I get really anxious.  I feel lightheaded like I'm gonna pass out. 


So the question is, will I make it out of the house today?  There's probably a 70/30 chance being 70% I won't make it out.  I can sit here and look out the window at the beautiful weather and imagine myself getting ready and then going out and enjoying the beautiful weather...shopping, but then that's only because I'm imagining it.  I can't bring myself to do it. 


I know I'm not like everyone else, I have an illness, but I just wish I could be normal without this illness.  I often wonder what kind of person I'd be if I didn't have this.  Sometimes it hurts and I feel so bad about myself for being this way.  I try to keep in my mind that this is an illness not all my fault, but sometimes it's just hard.  Some days more than others and today is one of those days. 


I guess I will continue to look out the window and imagine and if I get up the strength to go out then great if not, then my illness wins again.  Until next time. 

Chapter 3, Entry 14

Well it's Monday, October 3, 2011.  I just came off of working three days straight which is hard for me.  It's hard for me to get out of the house period let alone to work and especially three days.  It went unusually well as far as my anxiety level went.  I had some stress and anxiety by the third day, especially because my legs and my feet were hurting by the second day, so by the third day I was really in some pain and thought I wasn't going to make it.  I took an extended 15 minute break to try to rest my feet some, it helped for about 30 minutes back into the job, but then I was in pain again.  Somehow, I made it through.  But was very stressed out by the third day because of the pain I was in and worrying about how I was going to make it through.

Usually, I only work two days straight.  But this time, she said she was in a bind, so I did it to help her, but I don't think I'll do it again.  I just can't handle three days mentally or physically.  Today, I feel proud that I did it and made it through, but really don't won't to do that again.  I have such anxiety about having to get ready to go.  Having to shower, do makeup and hair just to go out is stressful to me.  I know it sounds petty, but for me it really is stressful.  I truly hate it. 

Right now, I'm feeling pretty balanced as moods go, but don't know how long this will last.  Maybe just today.  As the week goes by and I stay inside, then the more I get depressed, but at the same time, don't want to go back out.  Once I'm back inside it's like starting all over trying to get back outside.  It never becomes any easier. 

I would really like to get back into the gym, but so far I just can't seem to make myself go.  I hate going out and especially working out around all those people.  I thought maybe I'd go for a walk, but my legs and feet are still hurting, so maybe tomorrow.  I guess that's all for now, until next time.

Chapter 3 Entry 13

Well it's been since July since I've wrote this time.  I've been doing okay.  Had my bad days and good.  I'm home most of the time and that gets to me sometimes.  During those times I tend to get more depressed and have anxiety about it.  And often I become moody.  I just try to realize what's going on and take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.  You'd think I'd be use to these mood swings by now, but I'll never get use to them.  I just keep longing for the day when I could be normal, but I know that day will never come.  I just do the best with what I have.

I've been a bit depressed the last few days because I've been inside the house the whole time and fighting a cold and it's been cloudy and rainy outside.  It's so strange because although I get depressed about not getting out of the house.  It causes me great anxiety to have to get ready and go out of the house.  So it's like I can't win for losing.  Usually once I'm out I'm okay, but getting there is a big to do.  I don't know what I can do about this.  Part of the reason I hate getting ready is our bathroom is so small you can hardly move in there.  I feel claustrophobic.  And the other reason is I don't know, it just stresses me out to have to do it...shower, hair, makeup, getting dressed just so much to have to do to go out.  Crazy I know.  But it's how I feel.  And letting these petty things get to me is so defeating.  That causes me great anxiety in itself.

I don't know what the answer is, I wish I knew.  I can't talk to my doctor because all I have is my regular family doctor whom I see to get my medicines because I can no longer afford a psychiatrist or counselor at $40 a visit.  So I don't have anyone to talk to.  I have to figure the these types of things out on my own.  In the mean time I just do the best I can and like I said, take things one day at a time.  I would write more often but most of my moods are pretty much about more of the same.  I'll try to write a little more often than I have.  But for now that is all until next time.

Chapter 3, Entry 12

Wow, it's been since February since I've wrote in my diary.  I wish I could say it's because I've been busy and life has been great, but that's not the case.  I've still been fighting the depression.  I spend a lot of time inside this house.  There's really no where to go, no one to go with and I don't have any money.  When I do get out it's to get gas, go to the store or take my dog walking.  Those are really the only times I get out.  Truth is I don't even feel like going out because I feel so useless now.  I don't feel like getting ready to go out anywhere.  I just like to hang in the house in my sweat shorts and tank tops.  I'm still taking my medicines regularly.  It's a good thing because I think without them I would be totally suicidal without them.  My dog really helps me, she is good company to me and she is always there with me.  She is the one thing I have to hold on to and can make me laugh.  She loves me unconditionally. 

I know two things that need to happen for me to feel better.  One is to lose weight, but I can't afford to run out to the gym anymore, my neighborhood isn't good for walking and I can't afford a treadmill, so I feel helpless.  Two, I need to get out more.  Although I don't know where I'd go, with whom or what I'd do.  I don't really have but one friend here and she's busy with her life.  Besides, I have no money to spend, so once again, I feel helpless.  I just keep hanging on and hoping that one day those things will change and they will happen eventually.   Hope is all I have.

Chapter 3, Entry 11

I've been having a difficult time lately.  On top of my Bipolar, I've been having frequent migraines, they seem to be centering around my menstrual cycles.  I'm not entirely sure, but what I do know is I'm getting them at least once or twice a month and for two or three days at a time.  They are killer.  I have prescription medication I take, but it only works to a certain extent.  My migraines are very stubborn and persistent.  They are very debilitating.  They also cause me to go into a deep depression because I can't do anything but lay on the couch or in the bed, so then I feel sorry for myself and feel so alone, isolated and bored to death.

I wish I could tell you how to come through something like that, but I honestly don't know how I did it.  I guess just getting through the day, moment to moment because it was tough.  I shed a lot of tears and felt a lot of pain and hopelessness.  I suppose it was a good thing I was on all my medications or it would definitely have been disastrous for me.  I guess what I'm trying to also say here is that medications are definitely important even in times when you may think they're not.  They may just be the one thing that keeps you from going over the edge.  I suppose it was a combination of medications and pure willpower of some sort.  My message today would be the importance of medications, I can't stress that enough.   

Chapter 3, Entry 10

Today is Sunday, January 30, 2010.  Lately, I've been feeling depressed.  It's not too bad, but I guess, bad enough to affect me.  I just keep trying to think positive and to hang on and take things one day at a time.  Some days are okay, some not-so-good.

I think a big part of it is being home all the time.  I am on disability which I am thankful for because I know I could not work a steady job.  I worked up until I was about 43 and I just couldn't handle it and never could hold down a job for long.  It didn't use to be that way, at least not that bad until I got to be in my mid 30's.  I've always had problems and issues, but seems my Bipolar became much worse the older I got.

At any rate, now I am home all the time and I have nothing to do, but watch TV all day or clean.  And most of the time I feel to tired to clean and not to mention I really hate cleaning.  Sometimes I get on the computer, but there's only so much one can do on the computer.  I just get tired of sitting here.  The one thing I miss about work is the socializing.  That's the one thing I lost that I regret.  Now I don't get to socialize much nor have the chance to meet anyone, as I'm home all day with no where to go and no one to go with.  Also with my income being limited now, I can't really afford to do much anyway.  So I'm kind of stuck.  And the one thing I will NOT do is go out by myself to meet people or find things to do.  I have lot's of anxieties, especially that of the social kind. 

So right now I feel bored and alone, just isolated.  Thank God I have my puppy, if not for her I would definitely go crazy.  I clean, cook, watch TV and get on the computer, but that's about it.  The same thing every day.  My husband works most of the time or is either sleeping or on his computer.  He is not social at all either and prefers it that way.  He never takes me out anywhere, well okay, maybe on rare occasions he does.  And it's always on his terms, so I find that more trouble than it's worth.  He doesn't help me with my Bipolar, if anything, he makes it worse.  So as you can see, on top of it all, my marriage isn't in that great of shape either. 

I don't know what the answer to my problem or my depression is.  I can dream a solution, but in reality it doesn't work.  I just don't know the answer.  I don't know what I can do with having my Bipolar depression and social anxiety with no where to go, no one to go with and no money to do anything.  It seems a lost cause.  In the meantime, I keep holding on, hoping that one day, someway, somehow something will change.  The answer will come or help will eventually come.  I guess that's all that's on my mind today, so until next time diary.

Chapter 3, Entry 9

Today is Thursday, January 6, 2011.  Thankfully, I made it through Christmas and New Year's without too much depression.  Typically, depression tends to set in that time of year, so I'm really happy that it didn't this time around.  Not necessarily a New Year's resolution, but it turns out to be that way, I started going back to the gym on Thursday, December 30th.  So far, I've gone Thursday and Friday of last week, then Tue, Wed and today of this week and I plan to go tomorrow, at least I hope to.  We have a plumber coming, so depending on when he comes will probably decide whether I go to the gym or not. 

I have also starting taking a supplement of natural herbs to help me along, a green tea metabolizer that has high reviews.  And I am striving to eat healthier or at least twice as healthy as I was eating before.  In doing these changes, I hope to combat some of the depression of Bipolar and also to help with my CFS.  Hopefully, it will give me a better outlook and feeling overall.  At least that is what I am striving for. 

I am still struggling somewhat with my bipolar of course.  I am having to really push myself to leave the house, but especially to exercise.  I keep having negative thoughts enter my mind telling me what I'm doing is useless and not enough and that I should just forget about it and quit, but I am trying my hardest to overlook those thoughts.  I am just trying to continue on ahead, as much as I don't want to.  I am just trying to take things one day at a time.  That's my motto, to take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time.  I forced myself to go to the mall yesterday and walk around window shopping by myself.  Guess what, I did it!  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I still wouldn't want to do it often.  Just getting out there and doing something like that occasionally in a great thing in itself. 

So for now, I will continue to push myself in going to the gym on a regular basis.  I'm shooting for 5 days a week, but no less than 3.  And hopefully in time, I will not only feel better, but look better as well.  Doctors always say exercise is the best thing you can do for depression, so I am really going to put that to the test this time.  All I can do is try and to do my best.  So I guess that's all for now, until next time diary.