Today is Thursday, October 27, 2011. Today I'm feeling a bit ansy about working the next two days. I'm feeling some stress about it though I don't know why. I just have that overwhelming feeling. I know it's the same kind of work...the same thing I always do, so why I feel this way I don't know. I'm still feeling tired. I started taking vitamin B12 hoping that will help, it's what friends suggested, so I thought I'd give it a try. So far, I'm still feeling tired, although I've only been taking it a week.
It really does get tiring feeling this way most of the time. I wish I could be normal for a change. On occasion, I feel normal, but it doesn't happen often enough nor stick around long enough. People just don't know what it's like to feel this way all the time, they don't realize how hard it is. I try to stay as positive as I can, but some days it just seems impossible. Some days I really struggle to get through. Today is one of those days. I thought maybe if I wrote, I could get some of it out and I would feel better. I'm going to try to change my outlook the rest of the day and see what happens, hopefully I will feel better. So until next time.
Today is Friday, October 21, 2011 and today I'm feeling very anxious and frustrated. My mind won't stay focused and I can't think. I have several blogs I use to write on all the time because I was always needing to get it all out. Now, I have writer's block. I can't think at all. It's been this way for months now and I really don't know what to do about it short of just quit blogging. I use to get in these very creative moods and could write anything, but lately I just draw a blank. I still feel a need to be creative, but it just won't come which is very frustrating to me.
I can hardly even focus to write in my diary let alone a blog. I try and concentrate, but all I draw is a blank. And then my mind wanders. I just get so darn frustrated. I don't know what to do to get it back. Writing was really my only hobby and now it seems I don't even have that anymore. I feel like I'm slowly loosing all my creativity. I feel like it's slipping away and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I constantly look at different topics and subjects to see if it will trigger anything in my mind, but still I have no luck. I just can't think.
I don't know if it's my medicines that have done this to me, but ever since I have been taking them I don't have any energy any more and I seem to have lost my creativity. But on the flip side, my moods are more stable and I don't get as depressed as what I used to or as often. And I really can't stop taking my medicine, so that's not the answer, but what is? I'm having a very hard time concentrating and writing in my diary right now. I'm really having to push myself just to think. I don't know what the answer is, but I'll just keep praying for one...that's all I can do.
Today is Saturday, October 8, 2011. I am wanting to get out of the house today, but just the thought of getting ready is preventing me from doing so. Also, thinking about being around and dealing with people once I am out is another thing preventing me from doing so. I thought about taking the dog for a walk, but I just feel so exhausted. And what have I done to feel that way? Nothing. And I had the right amount of sleep. It doesn't matter what I do, I'm always tired. I am so sick and tired of being tired.
I told the doctor and they put me on Wellbutrin in case it's either the depression or chronic fatigue syndrome because wellbutrin is typically what is prescribed. It helped a little bit in the beginning...not much, but a little. Only that didn't last but a few weeks, then it was right back where I started from.
Then I don't want to have to go out and deal with people by myself. It makes me a nervous wreck and anxious. I don't do too bad in the store if everyone stays away from me, but if they come near me or crowd me in an isle, then I get really anxious. I feel lightheaded like I'm gonna pass out.
So the question is, will I make it out of the house today? There's probably a 70/30 chance being 70% I won't make it out. I can sit here and look out the window at the beautiful weather and imagine myself getting ready and then going out and enjoying the beautiful weather...shopping, but then that's only because I'm imagining it. I can't bring myself to do it.
I know I'm not like everyone else, I have an illness, but I just wish I could be normal without this illness. I often wonder what kind of person I'd be if I didn't have this. Sometimes it hurts and I feel so bad about myself for being this way. I try to keep in my mind that this is an illness not all my fault, but sometimes it's just hard. Some days more than others and today is one of those days.
I guess I will continue to look out the window and imagine and if I get up the strength to go out then great if not, then my illness wins again. Until next time.
Well it's Monday, October 3, 2011. I just came off of working three days straight which is hard for me. It's hard for me to get out of the house period let alone to work and especially three days. It went unusually well as far as my anxiety level went. I had some stress and anxiety by the third day, especially because my legs and my feet were hurting by the second day, so by the third day I was really in some pain and thought I wasn't going to make it. I took an extended 15 minute break to try to rest my feet some, it helped for about 30 minutes back into the job, but then I was in pain again. Somehow, I made it through. But was very stressed out by the third day because of the pain I was in and worrying about how I was going to make it through.
Usually, I only work two days straight. But this time, she said she was in a bind, so I did it to help her, but I don't think I'll do it again. I just can't handle three days mentally or physically. Today, I feel proud that I did it and made it through, but really don't won't to do that again. I have such anxiety about having to get ready to go. Having to shower, do makeup and hair just to go out is stressful to me. I know it sounds petty, but for me it really is stressful. I truly hate it.
Right now, I'm feeling pretty balanced as moods go, but don't know how long this will last. Maybe just today. As the week goes by and I stay inside, then the more I get depressed, but at the same time, don't want to go back out. Once I'm back inside it's like starting all over trying to get back outside. It never becomes any easier.
I would really like to get back into the gym, but so far I just can't seem to make myself go. I hate going out and especially working out around all those people. I thought maybe I'd go for a walk, but my legs and feet are still hurting, so maybe tomorrow. I guess that's all for now, until next time.
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