Chapter 3, Entry 8

Today is Wednesday, December 29, 2010.  Lately, I have just been feeling really useless and very antsy and on edge.  Nothing has really interested me, not that there really has been anything to interest me.  I don't feel like being on the computer, nor watching TV, nor taking a shower and going out anywhere, so what does one do in a case like this.  I guess I feel more in a rut than anything and with my Bipolar and Anxieties on top of it, I feel much worse. 

I feel so bad about myself these days that it doesn't really do me much good to get cleaned up and go out.  I don't like my hair, I feel fat and feel I don't have great clothes to dress in anyway.  I just feel totally blah.  I honestly don't know what to do to get out of it.  I am wanting to start the new year off by going by to the gym and working out, but I'm afraid it will just be like last time and I'll go two months just losing 10 pounds in the last few weeks.  I need to see more results than that and quicker.  I felt like I worked my butt off for little or nothing.  Maybe if I take a fat burner along with working out.  I just hope that after January 1st, I can get my butt back into the gym, especially being right now I won't even hardly go out of the house.  I thought if maybe if I buy me a couple more new gym outfits and some new shoes, that might help motivate me a little.  We'll see what happens.

I'm still taking my medicine regularly, but still feeling more edgy  on the Wellbutrin and some depression too.  What I really need to do is see a counselor and psychiatrist, but I can't afford to see them on a regular basis.  I could go once or twice, but that's about all I could afford, but maybe that's what I need to do, at least I can touch on the basics and talk about my medications.  I also need to talk to them about helping me separate what is actually my Bipolar and what is real as far as my not being happy in my life or marriage.  I know that isolating myself in this house isn't good, but there's so many reasons why I do.  One, I don't ever feel like taking a shower and getting ready to go.  Two, I don't feel I look good enough to go out anywhere.  Three, I have no one to go with.  Four, I don't really have anywhere to go.  And five, it makes me a nervous wreck out in public sometimes.  It's just a stressful experience and I almost always end up with a bad headache.  

So as you can read, I'm am struggling a bit right now.  I'm sure part of the depression is having come through the holidays.  As for the rest, I've got to figure that out and deal with it somehow.  I know I can't keep going on like this for much longer.    I need to see a psychiatrist at least once or twice, and get myself out of this house more, as well as get back into the gym.  I know those things are good for me and will help, but getting my mindset and motivation to do it is a whole other thing. 

I'm going to try to work towards fixing those things and see what happens if anything.  For now, I guess that is all.  So until next time diary. 

Chapter 3, Entry 7

Dear Diary, today is Monday, December 20, 2010.  I made it though work this past weekend.  I worked two days straight, but it was hard.  I have a three day weekend to work coming up in January, but I'm not sure sure I can do it.  One day I can do, two I can just barely make it through, so three I just really don't think I can.  It's too stressful and causes me so much anxiety, not to mention with all the added weight I've gained it's hard physically to stand up for six hours a day each down when my knees, back and feet kill me after the first four hours of the first day.  I just thank god I made it through the last two days and it's over. 


Today, I am not feeling all that well.  Feeling a little depression for some reason.  I have the beginnings of a migraine, so I'm sure that's part of it because I don't feel well.  The other part is I didn't quite have enough money for Christmas that I wanted.  Another $30 would have done it, but oh well.  Also making it tough to work, I worked two days with back, knee and foot pain, then I'm finally off only to get a migraine.  When does it end?  I'm trying not to let it get to me, but sometimes it's hard not to feel defeated by your illness(es).  That's one reason I'm doing some writing today, to get my mind off of it, get my feelings out and keep my mind occupied.  I'm going to take it easy the rest of the day and just focus on me relaxing and hopefully my migraine will go away and I will start to feel some better.


Now on to Christmas.  I was thinking of fixing Christmas dinner on Christmas day, but don't think it's going to happen this year, so I am somewhat depressed about it.  Depressed that I won't have my son here for dinner, but then again happy that I don't have the pressure of fixing all that food.  And depressed about not quite having enough money, but at least I had enough to make do.  So honestly, I have mixed feelings about Christmas.


I guess that's all for today.  I'm just going to keep focusing on trying to not be defeated by all these feelings and I'm just going to try my best to push through it.  So until next time diary.

Chapter 3, Entry 6

Today is Friday, December 17, 2010.  Wow, once again, it's been awhile since I last wrote.  November I believe it was.  They changed my antidepressant from Celexa to Wellbutrin to help me with my low energy level.  Supposedly, Wellbutrin will give me a little more energy.  I can tell some difference, but not really that much to speak of anyway.  What I can tell a difference in though is my anxiety level has increased noticeably.  Other than that things have been so-so.  I haven't been that great, but I haven't been real depressed as I used to be either.  The only thing that worries me now is the anxiety, and more so, the anger that also comes with it.  It seems with the medicines I just can't get it quite right.  I do away with one bad thing, then gain another.  So where do I decide to stop changing the medicines.  When do I just accept the results?  Or do I? 

I've been doing more work with the promos, but I feel I am once again taking on too much, as it's starting to stress me out again and cause me much extra anxiety.  I'm feeling pressured more.  So, while I need the money, I think I will have to at least cut back on the number of jobs I accept.  This may help to cut down on some of the extra anxiety I am feeling.  I enjoy getting out some, but the responsibility of it and also the social side of it weighs heavy on me.  That's where the anxiety comes into play.  And the more I work, the more my husband expects me to work and bring home more money.  He's starting to become more dependent on that.  He's also pressuring me to feel like I have to work, when I can't nor am I really suppose to be.

I am going to continue on taking my Risperdone and Wellbutrin for now and maybe take my Adivan a little more often when I really need it.  Right now, I just want to get through Christmas which is a difficult time for me for many reasons.  The pressure of buying gifts and the finances, plus both my parents are deceased and I am away from the rest of my family.  Not to mention, I lost my mother right around Christmas, December 13, 2001 to be exact, so Christmas is still a difficult time for me.  I get frustrated because Christmas doesn't feel magical or special anymore, but rather a chore.  Like I said, I just want to get through it without feeling too depressed or having too much anxiety. 

For now, I am okay, feeling a little anxiety, but hanging in.  I am so thankful for my little puppy, well she's a year old now, but she's the light of my life.  She is so joyus and brings joy to my life, especially at Christmas time.  I am so thankful I have her, she is great therapy.  I will try to write a little more often than before, but sometimes, I just seem to get writer's block.  I don't want to write the same thing over and over again.  I've got to go to the grocery store today, so it's going to take the next several hours to talk myself into going, so I better go for now.  So, until next time diary.

Chapter 3, Entry 5

Today is Thursday, November 11, 2010.  I finally went back to the doctor about being so fatigued and sluggish.  She changed up one of my medicines, celexa to a stimulant, wellbutrin which is suppose to help rev me up a bit more.  So hopefully, this will be the answer.  If I can just get enough energy to get out of this rut and get myself back into the gym some, then I'll be much better off.  I believe this new medicine will be a much better fit for me.  The celexa just seemed to drag me down. 

As for everything else, I've been sort of up and down with my mood, but then I do have Bipolar, so that's a given.  Although it has been much tougher as of late because of being extremely fatigued.  Once again, I am hoping the change in medications will help.  I've been trying to do things to keep my mind stimulated by doing my work on the laptop, running errands, housework, tv, and hanging with my friends occasionally.  I've also been trying to get out a little more.  I am having to force myself and it has been very difficult for me, but I did manage to get out to a couple of new places and met new people.  I was very uncomfortable and nervous, but made it though.  I just wish I didn't stress so much beforehand about going somewhere, but I do.  I worry myself sick until I get there and until it's over.  By then, I usually have a migraine or at the least a headache from stressing so much. 

With my medication change is suppose to come more energy, but also it should help lift me out of the depressive episodes, at least more than the Celexa did.  Also, it is an appetite suppressant and god knows I need to lose any weight I can, even if just 5 pounds.  So I'll check back in probably in a few days or perhaps give it a few weeks.  So until next time,  I'm just going to try to continue to think positive as much as I can.

Chapter 3, Entry 4

Wow, it's been since August since I wrote in my online diary.  It's been a combination of reasons.  I plain forgot is one reason, another is things have been really up and down like a roller coaster since that time.  I have been really struggling, mostly with being very fatigued and tired mentally and physically it seems.  I've also been having more daily headaches and migraines that usual. 

It's hard to say why all this is happening.  I am still on the same medications, so I don't really feel like it's anything specifically to do with that.  I'm sure it's partly that, but only partly.  As for the real culprit, that's a good question, the million dollar question, as least it is to me.  I just keep thinking why me?  Why do I also struggle so hard just to get out of bed, to do anything for that matter.  I really am just so fatigued.  It doesn't matter if I've had a good night's sleep or just exercised, I still feel fatigued and worn out.  Everything is a struggle to do.  Just a walk from my couch to the kitchen can be a struggle. 

Doctors just always want to say it's my depression or eat better, sleep better, exercise that will help.  Well, depressed or not, I feel this way.  And as for the rest, I have done all that and it does NOT help.  I don't know what I need to do to get through to them to make them understand.  As for my Bipolar, I am doing okay, I could be better I am sure. 

I think I am having too many depressive episodes again, but I am holding my own, doing okay which is good because at least I am semi close to being stable, I mean I have my times, but with Bipolar, I will probably always have my times when I struggle.  It's just a fact of life I have to live with and come to terms with which for the most part, I think I have now. 

Chapter 3, Entry 3

Today is Tuesday, August 31, 2010.  Today I am feeling much the same as yesterday.  I feel okay mood wise, for the most part.  But I'm still feeling a little anxious, irritable and some anxiety.  Fighting the constant fatigue along with the racing mind/thoughts and anxiousness is tough though because I still feel the need to be doing something at all times, but yet fatigued.  It's very frustrating. 

This feeling bored, but being anxious is also frustrating.  I'm just piddling around from one thing to the next trying to stay occupied one way or another because when I stop and let my mind and the boredom take over, then I start thinking more depressive thoughts and feeling more anxiety. I'll take this mood over the depressive episodes any time though.  

I've done just about all the piddling online I can do, so think I'll try to watch a little television for now.   I hope my diary of thoughts and my moods help you in some way and help you to understand and relate a little more to Bipolar II.  For now, I guess this is all I'll write, so until next time.

Chapter 3, Entry 2

Today is Monday, August 30th which happens to be my son's birthday, so Happy Birthday to my son, much love to him!  Right now, I am currently out or still in the process of coming out of my depressive state, but I'm still having some issues, especially with the irritability and anxiety, but most has to do with the outside pressures going on with my vehicle.  I've been having bad headaches and migraines too.  I've been trying to find ways to stay busy as I've started to become sort of hypo manic, so I've been working on my websites, writing/posting on my blogs, cleaning house, washing clothes, walking the dog, going to the store and things like that to try to stay busy, but those things get old.  I need some sort of activity to take up my time.  I'm hoping to get back in the gym again some once I get my jeep back, but now he tells me he thinks my bearing in my wheel is going out.  So it's just one expensive problem after another with my jeep, and I live on a fixed income, so I do NOT have the money to fix this stuff.  Now do you see why I have so much anxiety and the jeep is just the tip of the ice burg, my home life isn't exactly peachy. 

Right now I just feel sort of manic, like I need to be doing something.  Mostly it's my mind that races and that needs to be stimulated.  And while I feel somewhat okay and normal, I also feel a bit of uneasiness, anxiety and irritability.  I also have a headache again.  I'm feeling fatigued which is normal as I always feel fatigued.  As for my sleep, I am sleeping better...falling asleep easier and waking a little earlier.  I just feel this need that I need to be doing something though.  I need to be out somewhere doing something, but what?  I have no money and no car right now.   One thing I know I need to do at some point is see a counselor, but first I need to see a psychiatrist.  I should see a psychiatrist at least once a year.  But my insurance co-pay is $40 and I just don't have that.  Then outside of that I should also see a counselor on occasion for a few visits, but I can't afford that either.  So what does one do?  If you can tell me, please let me know. 

Maybe NAMI or MHA could direct me to a sliding fee scale or low cost psychiatrist and counselor.  I don't know, but it's all I can come up with.  I just know I need something.  What I really need is a part-time... and I mean VERY part-time like a 20 hours a week job that I can have a little extra money for these things.  But with my erratic mood swings and sleep patterns who knows if I could even handle that on a regular basis.  I guess I could try.  Not sure what I'm going to do next, but I guess this is all I'll write for today, so until next time.

Chapter 3, Entry 1

Bipolar II - "A Day In The Life"

Chapter 2, Entry X

Today, Wednesday, August 18th, 2010 I'm still dealing with depression and outside factors as well.  One of my friends got me out of the house Sunday to volunteer doing face painting for the kids of low income families.  That was actually therapeutic for me and helped me in many ways.  I enjoyed getting out of the house and spending time with my friend and the feeling of doing something that mattered by volunteering helped also.  Monday was once again a depressing and very mundane day again.  Today, I only got out of the house to go to the store.  This only being able to go out of the house on occasion to the store or what not is proving to be very detrimental to my mental and emotional well being, especially with already being in a depressed state.  Something has got to give, something is going to have to change and soon.  Even if I get my car fixed something has to change.  Me, my life has to change and I think that things around me are going to have to change.  I don't know for sure how or what yet, but it has to happen for my own well being.  I think I need to see a counselor again too.  I really need to talk my thoughts, ideas and feelings out with someone who has a level head and is impartial. 

It's late now, so that's all I'll write for tonight.  I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to house/dog sit for my brother and sister-in-law for several days which I'm looking forward to.  The time alone will do me good, hopefully it will also help me to think more clearly and make more needed decisions.  So for now, until next time, goodnight.

Chapter 2, Entry IX

Today is Thursday, August 12, 2010.  I am still in a depressive mood and it has gotten much worse.  I've had suicidal thoughts come into my mind.  And it's been a struggle to stay awake and live in the real world, when all I want to do is sleep reality away. 

It's a combination of my personal struggles with Bipolar along with marriage problems and then the car troubles on top of that which have in turn produced even more troubles for me.  Not only is dealing with trying to get my car fixed a problem, but not having a car to drive is presenting to be a problem, very frustrating and depressing for me.  I don't want to be dependant upon anyone in my life for any thing nor for any reason, nor do I want to answer to anyone.  I need to be responsible only for myself and to take care of myself.  I need to be my number one and only priority.   People just don't seem to totally get that I am Bipolar and on Disability for a reason. 

It's like I'm a Bipolar person on Disability trying to act as if I am a normal person in society and I am NOT.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel I need to be and would be better off own my own, as to take care and be in control of my own self and so as not to rely on anyone else, nor have anyone else depend on me.  I mean I do need the help, love and support of family, friends and loved ones around me.  But the key words being "around me".  Not living with me, ordering me, dictating to me or such.

Right now, every day, every moment I am fighting hard to keep the suicidal thoughts out and to focus on moving forwards and getting my car fixed.  I know my first step is to get my car running again.  I just hope and pray it works out.  That's all for now, it's getting late and sleep alludes me, so I need to take my sleep medication and try to go to bed. 

Chapter 2, Entry VIII

Today, is Wednesday, August 4th, 2010.  I was doing fairly well there for a while, but then started to feel depressed the last few days and with that came the feeling of being overwhelmed.  Unfortunately on top of it all my jeep wouldn't start today, so now I'm stressing over all of my jeep problems at once.  I mean I was already stressing over needing a new transmission and a new windshield, which I need by the end of this month or my jeep wont pass inspection, and now on top of it all it won't start.  I'm hoping and praying it's just the battery.  But still, where is all this money coming from...battery, windshield all before the end of this month, then the transmission, then my hospital bills on top of that and my personal property taxes.  So if I have all this to deal with, how can I possibily expect to get my life in order the way it needs to be when it's ass backwards right now.  Then there's the depression.


I'm just trying to hang on and deal with this depression that has set in.  It seems to be a deep depression, so I'm really having to try to push through it.  Right now, I'm not wanting to do anything, nor am I up for anything.  All I feel like doing is crying or sleeping.  It's seems I never have any help, I am always on my own anymore.  I just feel so overwhelmed right now and worried.

Chapter 2, Entry VII

Today is Tuesday, July 6, 2010.  Wow, it's been one week since I've written.  I've been a bit busy.  I worked out or walked at the park everyday last week up until Friday, then I left for the weekend to stay with my son.  Friday night we went to dinner, then came back and watched a movie.  On Saturday, we went to my nieces wedding, then went to a fireworks display.  I came back home on Sunday.  I spent most of Sunday and Monday working on my son's computer.  That was very stressful and upsetting, but I got through it.  The exercise and activity has been helping me get through days much better.  And although, I still have my bad days and struggle, the exercise has allowed me to feel much better and stronger than usual. 

I don't have a lot planned for this week, but I will be working this weekend.  I feel as though I do need to have more activity occupy my time even more so than just going to the gym.  I would like to start getting out more maybe to the pool or hiking...something like that, but then again, right now it's entirely too hot outside to do anything.  So anyway, right now, I'm still doing fairly well.  I did have a few days of depression where I struggled on Saturday, Sunday and Monday, but I'm feeling a bit better, and again, getting back to exercising today helped some too.  That's all for now, so until next time, so long.

Chapter 2, Entry VI

Today is Tuesday, June 29th.  The past few days I've been doing fairly well, still having to fight my moods at times and fatigue, but have gone to the gym a couple of times.  I had a great workout on the treadmill and the recumbent bike for about an hour and besides the gym I have gone to the park and walked for 30 minutes three times, then walked in my neighborhood on top of of that.  I've really been pushing myself.  In addition to working out, I've also cleaned up my eating a great deal by eating well most of the day and only allowing myself one small blunder occasionally and keeping my meals with portion control and at or below 1550 calories a day.  I am determined to get healthier and lose weight this time.  My first goal is to get down to 165, then my second is 155, my third is 145 and my main goal.  But IF I can, then my ultimate goal would  be to get to 135 pounds, but I will be satisfied once I get to 145.

Because I have been busy both working out and also working all weekend, I haven't wrote in my diary lately.  But I am doing better than I was the last time I wrote.  The last time I wrote, I was so frustrated by different things.  I've come to realize that before I can even attempt to deal with anything else.  I have to be healthy and happy myself.  I at least have to get to a point where I can think and see clearly and doing that from a dark place is  not ideal.  So that's why I've decided to get healthier and work on being happier myself and stop letting others affect me as much as they do.  I will deal with that later when I can see things in a more clear perspective and deal with them accordingly.  In the meantime, I am still working out and feeling fairly strong...a bit edgy and yes, the depression wants to set in, but I have a bit of manic that has been in force the past few days, so I sort of fear how I will do when that manic turns depressive again, but I am going to do my best to push through and keep exercising because it does help and makes me feel so much better mentally and physically.

Chapter 2, Entry V

Dear Diary, things have been so difficult lately.  I have had some good days and moments, but overall it's not been good and has been pretty much a constant struggle.  Why?  It's all about overly negative people and their nasty effects on you.  What do you do when you have someone in your life very close to you that tends to be a very boring, self-centered, egotistic, demanding, chauvinistic and negative person?  Especially when you yourself are dealing with Bipolar II and have a lot of depression and anxiety issues?  I mean you wouldn't have alcohol around for alcoholics or drugs for drug attics would you?  You wouldn't expect or want that for someone dealing with those issues.  But this is exactly what is going on with me.   You see, that is me, I deal with Bipolar II and the depression and anxiety that comes with it.  I need to be around peppy, upbeat, happy, positive, easy-going, go-getter's in life because that tends to bring and keep me up out of my depression and anxiety. Negative people are bad for me.  Just as alcohol and drugs are bad news to alcoholics and drug attics. 

Yet each and every day I deal with some form of negativity.  And not only that, but he pushes my buttons, he knows what I deal with and doesn't make any effort.  We never get out of this house.  Literally, we may go out of this house somewhere together once every 3 or 4 months to eat, but other than that, we do NOT go out of the house.  Only time I go out is by myself to run my errands, walk my dog or what ever it is I need to do, but that is the extent of it.  I/we have no life to speak of.  We have no entertainment neither inside this home nor outside.  And this is on top of the negative attitude, the chauvinism I deal with, the cynicism, the egotism, sarcasm and the being self-centered.  On top of it all, he has no desire to change, no goals, no dreams, no ambitions no nothing.  So what exactly is one to do? 

Well you would probably say leave.  Yes, that would be the obvious answer.  If it was only that simple, but it's not.  I don't want to hurt him, he is not a horrible person, he is just not for me.  Also, I am scared to be alone, scared of growing old alone.  But the biggest issue is money!  I can't afford to be own my own.  I don't want to live in some slum of a neighborhood.  I want to feel and be safe.  I would like to stay in Roanoke.  Also, back before my spending got under control and before I went on disability my credit was butchered, so I still have a bad record with many people, including utility companies and such.  So I can't even get electricity on my own. 

So tell me, what is one to do?  It is not that easy, it is never easy as it seems.  I wish I could just leave, but I can't.  I'm getting worse day by day and don't know what I can do.  I fear that eventually, I won't be able to come out of this because I go so far down I can't get out.  I know enough to know something has to change, and the only change I see is removing the negativity from my life...that's the answer.  I just don't see how I can.  I just don't know what to do at this point. 

Chapter 2, Entry IV

Dear Diary,  today is Tuesday, June 15, 2010.  I have been pretty depressed the  past couple of days, but none so much as today.  I have barely gotten out of bed today, as I basically made it from there to the couch.  It's a hot, cloudy and dreary day outside, but more than that.  I'm feeling so depressed about my weight and my health because of it.  I just don't feel good about myself at all, not inside, nor out.  Today has been so bad, I broke down and cried to my husband.  My sister and son are coming for a visit tomorrow which I am excited about but also dread because I look so bad, and should be cleaning, but I can't because I am too depressed today. 

And although I know a big part of it is my bipolar depression, it's also the weight and health issue on top of it.  So I have a double whammy going on.  With the weight, I not only look bad, so that I feel bad about myself, but rather I feel so bad physically.  I ache, I'm tired, my feel hurt, my knees, my lower back, my stomach, I can't breath and then I feel so out of control because I can't get control of it.  I don't know what I am going to do about it because right now I just feel overwhelmed, so I am just trying to get through the day.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring or the next day.  Each day, I just keep hoping to find that inner strength needed to persevere and to lose the weight and change my life, but right now, I'm depressed and like I said, just trying to get through today. 

Chapter 2, Entry III

Dear Diary, Today is Thursday, June 10, 2010.  I had a very difficult past few days from Saturday through about Tuesday.  The depression set in and then on top of it, I didn't really have any thing worthwhile to do and I was constantly reading about how others were so outgoing and doing this and that, so then that put me further into a depression as I felt sorry for myself.  The worst of it was Saturday through Monday, but Tuesday was still a challenge.  Although, I was starting to feel some better by Tuesday both because I was coming out of the depression stage and also because I had plans the next day, so between both of those, it somewhat lifted my spirits.  Then yesterday, Wednesday, I went out for a meeting, and also had a mystery shop, so while I was out, I also made it a point to do some flower shopping because I knew the earlier I came back to this house and sat the worse I was going to feel.  So when I finally came home, I planted my flowers and took the dog for a walk, then cooked dinner.  So all in all it was a fairly busy day and a good day. 

Today, I have to go out to meet my Avon lady which is a good thing because it once again gets me out of the house without having to spend much money.  I work this Saturday, so knowing I'll be out and about the next few days and that I just came through a depressive episode, I should be okay for a few days now.  It's really sporadic, week on, week off.....I'll have like a bad week, a so-so week, a good week and so on.  At any rate, it's almost time to meet my Avon lady, so for now I need to go.  Until next time.

Chapter 2, Entry II

Dear Diary, today is Saturday, June 5, 2010.  I was feeling really good there for a few days, even got out every day there for two or three days.  Although I was quite disappointed that my sister didn't show up, but I understand, and besides my son came down early and we went for several walks and rode on the Blue Ridge Parkway, so that was enjoyable and took my mind off my sister not showing up.  Thursday I spent running errands, and finally purchased my new phone, then Friday it was grocery store shopping.  So all in all this week I was fairly busy with going places.  Then came today.  I felt okay to start, but I got online and was reading how everyone else was out and about with their friends and family doing things and then I just got depressed about being home alone.  I just don't have anything to do today or anywhere to go, nor anyone to go with.  I could have gone with my husband to his grandmothers, but he's target practicing and I cant stand loud noises or to be around guns, plus I just didn't really feel like being around kids today.  I love his kids, but mine is grown and with my nerves, sometimes I just can't handle being around any misbehavior though often times, they're just being kids. 

So anyway, it's now the afternoon and I just feel tired and depressed.  I suppose I could go out, but where, why and with who?  I really don't have any money.  I may ride over to the book store and pick me up a book I've been wanting.  I think I can afford that.  I could take the puppy for a walk, I know she'd love that.  I just know the way I'm feeling, I had better get out of the house if even for an hour to try and deal with this depression that's trying to set in.  So on that note, until next time.

Chapter 2, Entry I

Dear Diary, today is Wednesday, June 2, 2010. I feel good today for many reasons. One both my sister and my pregnant niece are coming for their first ever visit to my house and my son is also coming. So I am very excited about this. I was able to clean the whole house yesterday and even give my puppy a bath. I was so anxious about my sister coming, I went to bed early and woke up this morning at 7:30 am! It is such a beautiful morning. I finished up a few small cleaning jobs that needed to be done, then I got myself ready. So I am ready for company and ready to face the day.

I wish I could feel so confident and accomplished as much as I have the last two days, every day. Or at least have it be the norm in my life, but unfortunately it's not. These are the good days, the few far in between days, but that's okay, I'll take what I can get. It really helps when I have something exciting planned. Put that together with a good day and I've got myself a great day! After my sister and niece leave, me and my son plan to go for a ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and go for a walk on one of the trails. All I know is we plan to make it a day, then come back and have a nice, lovely dinner. So until next time, I am going to go enjoy the rest of my great day while I have it!

Chapter 2

Dear Diary, today is Sunday, May 30th, 2010.  I haven't wrote in my diary in a few days for several reasons.  I've been working promos again and I haven't felt good because I've had a headache and three, I really haven't had anything to say.  Nothing has been on my mind that I need to get out, at least not immediately. I think it was more the fact that I was busy and my head hurt to bad to think.  I've been feeling fairly good outside of the headaches and being tired from working, but I've started to notice a bit of depression and anxiety starting to set in again.  I just have this frustrated feeling, a feeling of gloom.  My thinking has slowed up some and my thoughts are getting to be a bit muffled which is very frustrating for me.  I started to have problems thinking straight, concentrating and then also not having any patience.  I just don't feel relaxed, I feel bored.  Not bored in wanting to get out and do something, but bored with life in general.  I get this way sometimes.  Just deep thoughts, deep feelings. 

Still, I am very thankful for being in the place that I am where I can recognize these feelings and try to deal with them accordingly.  Of course, I can't always do that, but at least I can try and manage them somewhat.  I am proud that I got two full working weekends behind me, so that helps me to know I have done something worthwhile and that I will have the paychecks coming to me for those jobs, because I certainly need the help, so that takes a little pressure off. 

Today, unfortunately I am still fighting this nasty headache and feeling so tired and worn out, but also bored still.  I was able to write on a couple of blogs, but it hasn't been easy.  Today is just not a very good day for me, but I'm just taking it one day at a time, that's all I can do.  In the meantime, I feel the need to feed my spiritual soul, so I am going to go relax awhile and maybe watch some Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyer a little later to feed my soul.  Until next time diary.

Chapter I

Dear Diary:


Today, Sunday, May 2, 2010 is the first day of my new writing venture, my new diary journaling my Bipolar II. I thought this was something that would be therapeutic for myself and may help give some insight to others as well. After all, my counselors were always telling me I should keep a journal, to write my feelings down. My hope and plan is to journal a typical day for me. How I am feeling emotionally and physically, what’s going on in my life and in my head, heart and mind and what’s going on around me. I may journal one or all of these things in a single day. 


I hope you will follow my diary and that I can offer you some personal insight and a look into Bipolar whether you know someone who has Bipolar or you are dealing with Bipolar yourself.  My goal is for this to be therapeutic for us all.