Posts
Today is Sunday, May 16, 2010, I haven't wrote in my diary much this week. At least not since Monday, May 10th I think. It's been a crazy week due to a couple of things, but mostly because I've struggled with my mood a lot. This has been one week I can certainly tell you I have struggled to remain calm and focused because I have definitely been moody. I've felt on edge all this week and very agitated. I've had two days this week where I've had no patience and had anger out bursts that I'm not proud of. And of course, I had to result to taking my Adivan. I've felt extremely fatigued. Not necessarily depressed, but more so have felt worried and had bothersome thoughts, negative thoughts. I worked all day yesterday and that did go fairly well, however I was a bit hyper and still feeling a bit agitated, but tried my best to keep it under control, which I did, until today anyway.
Today, I felt the worst agitation and frustration of all. Of course, the argument with my husband didn't help, in fact, it's the reason I became upset in the first place. From there it just escalated and I lost control of my words, thoughts and feelings and they flew out come what may. Not pretty. I hate when this happens. I hate it when I lose control because I feel so ashamed of myself afterwords. While it's happening, I don't even feel like myself. I feel like a totally different person. I feel like Dr. Jeckyl/Mr Hyde. And I kind of feel numb in some ways...just sort of blank, yet have Lot's to say.
All I know is I haven't gotten this bad or upset in a while and don't very often. Only with my husband. He seems to bring out the absolute worst in me. I keep telling him, he's not helping, he's not good for me that way. But he just gets more upset and defensive and starts a whole new argument, so I really can't discuss it or say anything at all to him. I just can't. The one thing I've learned, I know for sure. He really doesn't understand me or my condition and he certainly doesn't now how to help me or support me, nor would he ever be willing to do so. Because for him to do so would be getting outside help, and possibly even him having to listen to and support and conform to me, my wants and needs and that just won't happen.
So a big roadblock in dealing with my bipolar and anxieties is my husband and there's not a whole lot I can do to change that part, so I have got to figure something out and/or find a way to work through it or around it. In the meantime, I just have to fight the fight and keep trying to get myself better. I need to work on getting my anxiety and anger/agitation levels down and bring my mood up. then if I could ever get myself in a fairly stable place and feel good enough I could work on my physical self, but in the mean time, I have to first and foremost work on my mental and emotional self.
In the midst of it all, I still always feel creative...creative creative, always creative. It seems to help me relieve some stress and anxiety, at least while I'm working on a project. Anyway, I'm now feeling a bit tired, so I'm going to relax and rest. So until next time.
