Chapter 3, Entry 3

Today is Tuesday, August 31, 2010.  Today I am feeling much the same as yesterday.  I feel okay mood wise, for the most part.  But I'm still feeling a little anxious, irritable and some anxiety.  Fighting the constant fatigue along with the racing mind/thoughts and anxiousness is tough though because I still feel the need to be doing something at all times, but yet fatigued.  It's very frustrating. 

This feeling bored, but being anxious is also frustrating.  I'm just piddling around from one thing to the next trying to stay occupied one way or another because when I stop and let my mind and the boredom take over, then I start thinking more depressive thoughts and feeling more anxiety. I'll take this mood over the depressive episodes any time though.  

I've done just about all the piddling online I can do, so think I'll try to watch a little television for now.   I hope my diary of thoughts and my moods help you in some way and help you to understand and relate a little more to Bipolar II.  For now, I guess this is all I'll write, so until next time.

Chapter 3, Entry 2

Today is Monday, August 30th which happens to be my son's birthday, so Happy Birthday to my son, much love to him!  Right now, I am currently out or still in the process of coming out of my depressive state, but I'm still having some issues, especially with the irritability and anxiety, but most has to do with the outside pressures going on with my vehicle.  I've been having bad headaches and migraines too.  I've been trying to find ways to stay busy as I've started to become sort of hypo manic, so I've been working on my websites, writing/posting on my blogs, cleaning house, washing clothes, walking the dog, going to the store and things like that to try to stay busy, but those things get old.  I need some sort of activity to take up my time.  I'm hoping to get back in the gym again some once I get my jeep back, but now he tells me he thinks my bearing in my wheel is going out.  So it's just one expensive problem after another with my jeep, and I live on a fixed income, so I do NOT have the money to fix this stuff.  Now do you see why I have so much anxiety and the jeep is just the tip of the ice burg, my home life isn't exactly peachy. 

Right now I just feel sort of manic, like I need to be doing something.  Mostly it's my mind that races and that needs to be stimulated.  And while I feel somewhat okay and normal, I also feel a bit of uneasiness, anxiety and irritability.  I also have a headache again.  I'm feeling fatigued which is normal as I always feel fatigued.  As for my sleep, I am sleeping better...falling asleep easier and waking a little earlier.  I just feel this need that I need to be doing something though.  I need to be out somewhere doing something, but what?  I have no money and no car right now.   One thing I know I need to do at some point is see a counselor, but first I need to see a psychiatrist.  I should see a psychiatrist at least once a year.  But my insurance co-pay is $40 and I just don't have that.  Then outside of that I should also see a counselor on occasion for a few visits, but I can't afford that either.  So what does one do?  If you can tell me, please let me know. 

Maybe NAMI or MHA could direct me to a sliding fee scale or low cost psychiatrist and counselor.  I don't know, but it's all I can come up with.  I just know I need something.  What I really need is a part-time... and I mean VERY part-time like a 20 hours a week job that I can have a little extra money for these things.  But with my erratic mood swings and sleep patterns who knows if I could even handle that on a regular basis.  I guess I could try.  Not sure what I'm going to do next, but I guess this is all I'll write for today, so until next time.

Chapter 3, Entry 1

Bipolar II - "A Day In The Life"

Chapter 2, Entry X

Today, Wednesday, August 18th, 2010 I'm still dealing with depression and outside factors as well.  One of my friends got me out of the house Sunday to volunteer doing face painting for the kids of low income families.  That was actually therapeutic for me and helped me in many ways.  I enjoyed getting out of the house and spending time with my friend and the feeling of doing something that mattered by volunteering helped also.  Monday was once again a depressing and very mundane day again.  Today, I only got out of the house to go to the store.  This only being able to go out of the house on occasion to the store or what not is proving to be very detrimental to my mental and emotional well being, especially with already being in a depressed state.  Something has got to give, something is going to have to change and soon.  Even if I get my car fixed something has to change.  Me, my life has to change and I think that things around me are going to have to change.  I don't know for sure how or what yet, but it has to happen for my own well being.  I think I need to see a counselor again too.  I really need to talk my thoughts, ideas and feelings out with someone who has a level head and is impartial. 

It's late now, so that's all I'll write for tonight.  I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to house/dog sit for my brother and sister-in-law for several days which I'm looking forward to.  The time alone will do me good, hopefully it will also help me to think more clearly and make more needed decisions.  So for now, until next time, goodnight.

Chapter 2, Entry IX

Today is Thursday, August 12, 2010.  I am still in a depressive mood and it has gotten much worse.  I've had suicidal thoughts come into my mind.  And it's been a struggle to stay awake and live in the real world, when all I want to do is sleep reality away. 

It's a combination of my personal struggles with Bipolar along with marriage problems and then the car troubles on top of that which have in turn produced even more troubles for me.  Not only is dealing with trying to get my car fixed a problem, but not having a car to drive is presenting to be a problem, very frustrating and depressing for me.  I don't want to be dependant upon anyone in my life for any thing nor for any reason, nor do I want to answer to anyone.  I need to be responsible only for myself and to take care of myself.  I need to be my number one and only priority.   People just don't seem to totally get that I am Bipolar and on Disability for a reason. 

It's like I'm a Bipolar person on Disability trying to act as if I am a normal person in society and I am NOT.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel I need to be and would be better off own my own, as to take care and be in control of my own self and so as not to rely on anyone else, nor have anyone else depend on me.  I mean I do need the help, love and support of family, friends and loved ones around me.  But the key words being "around me".  Not living with me, ordering me, dictating to me or such.

Right now, every day, every moment I am fighting hard to keep the suicidal thoughts out and to focus on moving forwards and getting my car fixed.  I know my first step is to get my car running again.  I just hope and pray it works out.  That's all for now, it's getting late and sleep alludes me, so I need to take my sleep medication and try to go to bed. 

Chapter 2, Entry VIII

Today, is Wednesday, August 4th, 2010.  I was doing fairly well there for a while, but then started to feel depressed the last few days and with that came the feeling of being overwhelmed.  Unfortunately on top of it all my jeep wouldn't start today, so now I'm stressing over all of my jeep problems at once.  I mean I was already stressing over needing a new transmission and a new windshield, which I need by the end of this month or my jeep wont pass inspection, and now on top of it all it won't start.  I'm hoping and praying it's just the battery.  But still, where is all this money coming from...battery, windshield all before the end of this month, then the transmission, then my hospital bills on top of that and my personal property taxes.  So if I have all this to deal with, how can I possibily expect to get my life in order the way it needs to be when it's ass backwards right now.  Then there's the depression.


I'm just trying to hang on and deal with this depression that has set in.  It seems to be a deep depression, so I'm really having to try to push through it.  Right now, I'm not wanting to do anything, nor am I up for anything.  All I feel like doing is crying or sleeping.  It's seems I never have any help, I am always on my own anymore.  I just feel so overwhelmed right now and worried.