Chapter 2, Entry VI

Today is Tuesday, June 29th.  The past few days I've been doing fairly well, still having to fight my moods at times and fatigue, but have gone to the gym a couple of times.  I had a great workout on the treadmill and the recumbent bike for about an hour and besides the gym I have gone to the park and walked for 30 minutes three times, then walked in my neighborhood on top of of that.  I've really been pushing myself.  In addition to working out, I've also cleaned up my eating a great deal by eating well most of the day and only allowing myself one small blunder occasionally and keeping my meals with portion control and at or below 1550 calories a day.  I am determined to get healthier and lose weight this time.  My first goal is to get down to 165, then my second is 155, my third is 145 and my main goal.  But IF I can, then my ultimate goal would  be to get to 135 pounds, but I will be satisfied once I get to 145.

Because I have been busy both working out and also working all weekend, I haven't wrote in my diary lately.  But I am doing better than I was the last time I wrote.  The last time I wrote, I was so frustrated by different things.  I've come to realize that before I can even attempt to deal with anything else.  I have to be healthy and happy myself.  I at least have to get to a point where I can think and see clearly and doing that from a dark place is  not ideal.  So that's why I've decided to get healthier and work on being happier myself and stop letting others affect me as much as they do.  I will deal with that later when I can see things in a more clear perspective and deal with them accordingly.  In the meantime, I am still working out and feeling fairly strong...a bit edgy and yes, the depression wants to set in, but I have a bit of manic that has been in force the past few days, so I sort of fear how I will do when that manic turns depressive again, but I am going to do my best to push through and keep exercising because it does help and makes me feel so much better mentally and physically.

Chapter 2, Entry V

Dear Diary, things have been so difficult lately.  I have had some good days and moments, but overall it's not been good and has been pretty much a constant struggle.  Why?  It's all about overly negative people and their nasty effects on you.  What do you do when you have someone in your life very close to you that tends to be a very boring, self-centered, egotistic, demanding, chauvinistic and negative person?  Especially when you yourself are dealing with Bipolar II and have a lot of depression and anxiety issues?  I mean you wouldn't have alcohol around for alcoholics or drugs for drug attics would you?  You wouldn't expect or want that for someone dealing with those issues.  But this is exactly what is going on with me.   You see, that is me, I deal with Bipolar II and the depression and anxiety that comes with it.  I need to be around peppy, upbeat, happy, positive, easy-going, go-getter's in life because that tends to bring and keep me up out of my depression and anxiety. Negative people are bad for me.  Just as alcohol and drugs are bad news to alcoholics and drug attics. 

Yet each and every day I deal with some form of negativity.  And not only that, but he pushes my buttons, he knows what I deal with and doesn't make any effort.  We never get out of this house.  Literally, we may go out of this house somewhere together once every 3 or 4 months to eat, but other than that, we do NOT go out of the house.  Only time I go out is by myself to run my errands, walk my dog or what ever it is I need to do, but that is the extent of it.  I/we have no life to speak of.  We have no entertainment neither inside this home nor outside.  And this is on top of the negative attitude, the chauvinism I deal with, the cynicism, the egotism, sarcasm and the being self-centered.  On top of it all, he has no desire to change, no goals, no dreams, no ambitions no nothing.  So what exactly is one to do? 

Well you would probably say leave.  Yes, that would be the obvious answer.  If it was only that simple, but it's not.  I don't want to hurt him, he is not a horrible person, he is just not for me.  Also, I am scared to be alone, scared of growing old alone.  But the biggest issue is money!  I can't afford to be own my own.  I don't want to live in some slum of a neighborhood.  I want to feel and be safe.  I would like to stay in Roanoke.  Also, back before my spending got under control and before I went on disability my credit was butchered, so I still have a bad record with many people, including utility companies and such.  So I can't even get electricity on my own. 

So tell me, what is one to do?  It is not that easy, it is never easy as it seems.  I wish I could just leave, but I can't.  I'm getting worse day by day and don't know what I can do.  I fear that eventually, I won't be able to come out of this because I go so far down I can't get out.  I know enough to know something has to change, and the only change I see is removing the negativity from my life...that's the answer.  I just don't see how I can.  I just don't know what to do at this point. 

Chapter 2, Entry IV

Dear Diary,  today is Tuesday, June 15, 2010.  I have been pretty depressed the  past couple of days, but none so much as today.  I have barely gotten out of bed today, as I basically made it from there to the couch.  It's a hot, cloudy and dreary day outside, but more than that.  I'm feeling so depressed about my weight and my health because of it.  I just don't feel good about myself at all, not inside, nor out.  Today has been so bad, I broke down and cried to my husband.  My sister and son are coming for a visit tomorrow which I am excited about but also dread because I look so bad, and should be cleaning, but I can't because I am too depressed today. 

And although I know a big part of it is my bipolar depression, it's also the weight and health issue on top of it.  So I have a double whammy going on.  With the weight, I not only look bad, so that I feel bad about myself, but rather I feel so bad physically.  I ache, I'm tired, my feel hurt, my knees, my lower back, my stomach, I can't breath and then I feel so out of control because I can't get control of it.  I don't know what I am going to do about it because right now I just feel overwhelmed, so I am just trying to get through the day.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring or the next day.  Each day, I just keep hoping to find that inner strength needed to persevere and to lose the weight and change my life, but right now, I'm depressed and like I said, just trying to get through today. 

Chapter 2, Entry III

Dear Diary, Today is Thursday, June 10, 2010.  I had a very difficult past few days from Saturday through about Tuesday.  The depression set in and then on top of it, I didn't really have any thing worthwhile to do and I was constantly reading about how others were so outgoing and doing this and that, so then that put me further into a depression as I felt sorry for myself.  The worst of it was Saturday through Monday, but Tuesday was still a challenge.  Although, I was starting to feel some better by Tuesday both because I was coming out of the depression stage and also because I had plans the next day, so between both of those, it somewhat lifted my spirits.  Then yesterday, Wednesday, I went out for a meeting, and also had a mystery shop, so while I was out, I also made it a point to do some flower shopping because I knew the earlier I came back to this house and sat the worse I was going to feel.  So when I finally came home, I planted my flowers and took the dog for a walk, then cooked dinner.  So all in all it was a fairly busy day and a good day. 

Today, I have to go out to meet my Avon lady which is a good thing because it once again gets me out of the house without having to spend much money.  I work this Saturday, so knowing I'll be out and about the next few days and that I just came through a depressive episode, I should be okay for a few days now.  It's really sporadic, week on, week off.....I'll have like a bad week, a so-so week, a good week and so on.  At any rate, it's almost time to meet my Avon lady, so for now I need to go.  Until next time.

Chapter 2, Entry II

Dear Diary, today is Saturday, June 5, 2010.  I was feeling really good there for a few days, even got out every day there for two or three days.  Although I was quite disappointed that my sister didn't show up, but I understand, and besides my son came down early and we went for several walks and rode on the Blue Ridge Parkway, so that was enjoyable and took my mind off my sister not showing up.  Thursday I spent running errands, and finally purchased my new phone, then Friday it was grocery store shopping.  So all in all this week I was fairly busy with going places.  Then came today.  I felt okay to start, but I got online and was reading how everyone else was out and about with their friends and family doing things and then I just got depressed about being home alone.  I just don't have anything to do today or anywhere to go, nor anyone to go with.  I could have gone with my husband to his grandmothers, but he's target practicing and I cant stand loud noises or to be around guns, plus I just didn't really feel like being around kids today.  I love his kids, but mine is grown and with my nerves, sometimes I just can't handle being around any misbehavior though often times, they're just being kids. 

So anyway, it's now the afternoon and I just feel tired and depressed.  I suppose I could go out, but where, why and with who?  I really don't have any money.  I may ride over to the book store and pick me up a book I've been wanting.  I think I can afford that.  I could take the puppy for a walk, I know she'd love that.  I just know the way I'm feeling, I had better get out of the house if even for an hour to try and deal with this depression that's trying to set in.  So on that note, until next time.

Chapter 2, Entry I

Dear Diary, today is Wednesday, June 2, 2010. I feel good today for many reasons. One both my sister and my pregnant niece are coming for their first ever visit to my house and my son is also coming. So I am very excited about this. I was able to clean the whole house yesterday and even give my puppy a bath. I was so anxious about my sister coming, I went to bed early and woke up this morning at 7:30 am! It is such a beautiful morning. I finished up a few small cleaning jobs that needed to be done, then I got myself ready. So I am ready for company and ready to face the day.

I wish I could feel so confident and accomplished as much as I have the last two days, every day. Or at least have it be the norm in my life, but unfortunately it's not. These are the good days, the few far in between days, but that's okay, I'll take what I can get. It really helps when I have something exciting planned. Put that together with a good day and I've got myself a great day! After my sister and niece leave, me and my son plan to go for a ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and go for a walk on one of the trails. All I know is we plan to make it a day, then come back and have a nice, lovely dinner. So until next time, I am going to go enjoy the rest of my great day while I have it!