Sunday, January 30, 2011

Chapter 3, Entry 10

Today is Sunday, January 30, 2010.  Lately, I've been feeling depressed.  It's not too bad, but I guess, bad enough to affect me.  I just keep trying to think positive and to hang on and take things one day at a time.  Some days are okay, some not-so-good.

I think a big part of it is being home all the time.  I am on disability which I am thankful for because I know I could not work a steady job.  I worked up until I was about 43 and I just couldn't handle it and never could hold down a job for long.  It didn't use to be that way, at least not that bad until I got to be in my mid 30's.  I've always had problems and issues, but seems my Bipolar became much worse the older I got.

At any rate, now I am home all the time and I have nothing to do, but watch TV all day or clean.  And most of the time I feel to tired to clean and not to mention I really hate cleaning.  Sometimes I get on the computer, but there's only so much one can do on the computer.  I just get tired of sitting here.  The one thing I miss about work is the socializing.  That's the one thing I lost that I regret.  Now I don't get to socialize much nor have the chance to meet anyone, as I'm home all day with no where to go and no one to go with.  Also with my income being limited now, I can't really afford to do much anyway.  So I'm kind of stuck.  And the one thing I will NOT do is go out by myself to meet people or find things to do.  I have lot's of anxieties, especially that of the social kind. 

So right now I feel bored and alone, just isolated.  Thank God I have my puppy, if not for her I would definitely go crazy.  I clean, cook, watch TV and get on the computer, but that's about it.  The same thing every day.  My husband works most of the time or is either sleeping or on his computer.  He is not social at all either and prefers it that way.  He never takes me out anywhere, well okay, maybe on rare occasions he does.  And it's always on his terms, so I find that more trouble than it's worth.  He doesn't help me with my Bipolar, if anything, he makes it worse.  So as you can see, on top of it all, my marriage isn't in that great of shape either. 

I don't know what the answer to my problem or my depression is.  I can dream a solution, but in reality it doesn't work.  I just don't know the answer.  I don't know what I can do with having my Bipolar depression and social anxiety with no where to go, no one to go with and no money to do anything.  It seems a lost cause.  In the meantime, I keep holding on, hoping that one day, someway, somehow something will change.  The answer will come or help will eventually come.  I guess that's all that's on my mind today, so until next time diary.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Chapter 3, Entry 9

Today is Thursday, January 6, 2011.  Thankfully, I made it through Christmas and New Year's without too much depression.  Typically, depression tends to set in that time of year, so I'm really happy that it didn't this time around.  Not necessarily a New Year's resolution, but it turns out to be that way, I started going back to the gym on Thursday, December 30th.  So far, I've gone Thursday and Friday of last week, then Tue, Wed and today of this week and I plan to go tomorrow, at least I hope to.  We have a plumber coming, so depending on when he comes will probably decide whether I go to the gym or not. 

I have also starting taking a supplement of natural herbs to help me along, a green tea metabolizer that has high reviews.  And I am striving to eat healthier or at least twice as healthy as I was eating before.  In doing these changes, I hope to combat some of the depression of Bipolar and also to help with my CFS.  Hopefully, it will give me a better outlook and feeling overall.  At least that is what I am striving for. 

I am still struggling somewhat with my bipolar of course.  I am having to really push myself to leave the house, but especially to exercise.  I keep having negative thoughts enter my mind telling me what I'm doing is useless and not enough and that I should just forget about it and quit, but I am trying my hardest to overlook those thoughts.  I am just trying to continue on ahead, as much as I don't want to.  I am just trying to take things one day at a time.  That's my motto, to take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time.  I forced myself to go to the mall yesterday and walk around window shopping by myself.  Guess what, I did it!  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I still wouldn't want to do it often.  Just getting out there and doing something like that occasionally in a great thing in itself. 

So for now, I will continue to push myself in going to the gym on a regular basis.  I'm shooting for 5 days a week, but no less than 3.  And hopefully in time, I will not only feel better, but look better as well.  Doctors always say exercise is the best thing you can do for depression, so I am really going to put that to the test this time.  All I can do is try and to do my best.  So I guess that's all for now, until next time diary.

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*Just a little about me, I am originally from a small town in the NRV, just West of the home of the "VA TECH HOKIES". I married in late September 2008 and relocated here to Roanoke, VA. I have one grown son, 28 and two step-children, one-boy, eleven, and one girl, ten. Outside of being on disability, I am also a part-time WAHH... working Wine, Food, Drink & Product Demos/Samplings, and have several small ventures ...everything from internet research, blogger and promotions I enjoy reading, blogging, Social Media & Networking.