Monday, July 29, 2013

My Life has been a Struggle

Wow, it's been a long time!  So how's my life been?  Okay, I am really digging deep and opening myself up here.  Life, sometimes it's just so bland and boring.  But I do know I'm fortunate to have a roof over my head and food on the table.  And I try to always keep that in mind, but sometimes, I just get so bored, lonely and discouraged.

I only work occasional part-time outside the home because I get Social Security Disability and have a very limited income.  And then I have to deal with the issues of why I'm on disability and take daily medications to cope.  I do have three online ventures that I enjoy working with, and while they make some income, they're not bringing in enough money right now.  One of my ventures, InCareRx has great income potential, but it takes some time to establish. 

I've lived in Roanoke, Virginia for 5 years now and still don't have any close friends.  I have a few acquaintances but no close friends.  At least none to spend time with, go places and do things.  At the same time, I can't really afford to do much.  My vehicle needs more work, so I don't travel anywhere outside of Roanoke.  I don't get to go see my family back home or go on any trips.  Sadly, I've put close to $1000 into my jeep so far, and it still needs about $700-$900 more probably.  It's drivable, but who knows how long that will last.  And I have a hard time going outside the home, anxiety issues sometimes. 

Sometimes, I feel so lost, lonely and empty.  My husband works night shift Monday through Friday, then has his kids on Saturdays, then it's back to work on Sunday night, so we don't really get to do much.  Besides, my hubby is a total homebody.  When he's off work, he rarely moves from his computer chair.  So hubby is not exactly inspirational or motivational to me at all.  Don't get me wrong, I do love him.  But that's one reason I am the way I am now too.  I use to have so many active people around me.  Always doing things, always on the go.  No more. 

I spend most of my days here at home, more or less isolated.  The extent of my life outside the home is occasional part time work about once or twice a month.  I have trips to the bank, gas station, grocery store and post office.  Outside of those things, there's basically nothing.  I do walk my dog 3/4 a mile almost everyday.   She's the only joy I have.  I love her so much.  She keeps me sane.

I've gained about 45 pounds since I married and moved here almost 5 years ago.  I even tried a running program last fall, but half way through the program I ended up with an ankle stress fracture and had to quit.  I was out of doing anything for about six months.  Then there's the problem with severe fatigue that I deal with now.  So discouraging and disappointing.  It seems I always get roadblocks whenever I do try something. 

Hobbies and interests?  Basically none.  Once in a while, when I get in the mood, I like to read a good book.  And I take my daily walks with Matte.  I watch my favorite shows on television which is what I spend most of my time doing, besides being online.  There's cooking, but I don't really enjoy cooking.  I do it because I have to.  I have flower beds that I love and try to maintain, but I'm not a fan of gardening or weeding them out.  I'm not very creative, so I don't do any kind of arts or crafts.  And I can't afford to do much, let alone outside the home. And on top of it all, I have a huge severe fatigue problem I struggle with.  So I just feel kind of stuck in a big rut. 

Once upon a time, I use to be so active.  In my younger days actually.  I had more money and energy, I wasn't as fatigued and also had friends and family.  We use to go on trips all the time to the beach, the smoky mountains, Atlantic City, NJ, Carowinds, Kings Dominion, dancing, races, festivals.  Then there were cookouts, family visits, trips to the mall or the movies, dining out, etc., etc.  But now, I've lost both of my parents.  I even use to be a big fitness fanatic and worked out 4-6 days a week. 

It's so hard to believe I am that same person I was back then.  Things have gotten progressively worse since I turned 40.  I'm now 48, so the last 8 years or so have been a struggle.  Most everything that was exciting about my life has gone away since those days. 

So often, I find myself wondering what it would be like if things were different.  If I didn't face all the problems and issues I have in my life now.  To me, they are huge hurdles.  I have so many different road blocks and barriers I don't know how to break through them or deal with them.  And I have no one to help me, push me, to lean on or to confide in.   I have nothing to look forward to in life.  The only way I get through it, is I just try to deal with life one day at time.  That and my little dog Matte who brings me joy and is with me day in and day out, right by my side.

I never thought I would end up the person I am today.  I use to always say, I would never let myself get old, fat and find myself sitting home alone in a rocking chair, but that's pretty much how it is, except my rocking chair is the couch.   I don't know what my future holds.  As of now, it looks to hold nothing.  I just try not to think about it or dwell on it, although it's hard sometimes.  I've been here for 5 years and nothing has changed or improved.

I just keep praying to God everyday that things will change for the better, that he hasn't forgotten me or forsaken me.  God has a plan for me, I just have to be patient.  He will lead my path to better things yet to come.  And that he will bring the right people into my life at the right time.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Chapter 4 Entry 3

Once again, it's been a while since I've wrote.  Still dealing with the ups and downs, not much difference there.  Right now, I am feeling a little depressed.  I'm not sure why, it just started coming on yesterday.  I just start feeling like I am living for nothing.  What's the purpose?  My life is so mundane and worthless or at least that's how I'm seeing it right now.  I know that I'm really feeling this way because I'm depressed and that it will pass in time, but only until it comes back again the next time.  Sometimes I just get so tired of going through the ups and downs.  And with my medicines, I don't even get any type of highs anymore, just the lows.  

The only thing that gets me through the dark times is my dog.  I love her so much.  She loves me unconditionally and she needs me, so I focus on her.  Hopefully this depression will pass soon.  Actually, what I need is "to get a life".  Instead of sitting around in this house all the time feeling sorry for myself.  But it's tough when you don't have much money or any real friends.  Somehow, someway I need some changes in my life.  That's about all that's on my mind right now, I just wanted to touch base, so until next time! 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Chapter 4, Entry 2

Today is Wednesday, April 25th 2012.  I'm feeling okay these days.  Working more than I usually do, so I'm surprised that I'm okay.  At least I'm okay so far.  I was feeling depressed more often than not and I had zero energy.  The doctor changed my medicines up a little at my last visit, so now I am now taking 1mg of Risperdone and 300 mg of Wellbutrin a day.  And she's taken me off the Trazodone all together.  She also suggested I take 1,000 IU of Vitamin D.  I feel some better, but still not where I'd like to be. 

Some days I am so tired it's I have to force myself to even shower.  I still don't like going out of the house that much.  I just don't like dealing with people.  I even have a hard time writing anymore, it's so hard to think and my mind just gets carried away or goes blank. Whenever I'm working I always feel self conscious and less than perfect, actually far from perfect.  I feel as though everyone notices every little thing I do wrong. 

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes.  I wish I was normal, whatever that is I don't really know.  I guess I have never known.   Sometimes I feel so lost and alone.  I often wonder what is the meaning of my existence.  I try to keep myself from thinking those darker thoughts, but they still slip into my mind on occasion.  I just try not to dwell on them.  But for now, I am doing okay, and yes, just "okay", but that is good for me.  Today, I am fighting a bit of depression, as I get when I stay inside the house all day, but I don't have anywhere to go, nor do I want to.  I'm trying to fight these feelings.    Right now, I'm just going to try to relax and just enjoy my time off work until I work again this weekend.  So that's all for now until next time. 

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Chapter 4, Entry 1

Wow, today is Thursday, March 29, 2012!  I haven't wrote since Christmas.  I just haven't been in the writing mood.  I made it through Christmas somehow, it actually went better than I thought it would.  So what's been up lately, well I just went to the doctor Monday and told them how I've been depressed and how totally exhausted I've been, so they changed up my medications.  I'm now taking two Wellbutrins a day instead of one and taking only one risperdone instead of two.  So far, I do feel a little more energy and I feel more alert.  I stopped taking the trazadone all together.  It was to help me sleep.  I am having a little difficulty with the sleep.  I'm waking up every few hours and dreaming like crazy.  So I'm not really resting very well like I should be. 

The doctor told me I have high triglycerides added now to my already high blood pressure, so this is stressing me out.  I'm suppose to eat right and exercise.  I did start exercising in January by getting on the treadmill and walking 35 minutes a day.  But the last few weeks I've been sick, so I've fallen off the wagon.  Now I'm having a hard time trying to get back on.  The eating is the hardest part for me.  It's hard to eat healthy when I have a small grocery budget and my hubby is not interested in eating healthy, so I can't afford to fix two separate meals.  So of course, I've been stressing about that.  All I can do is do the best that I can do. 

My mood seems to be improved with my medication change, but I'm still not sure of what all changes there will be.  I could have some anger issues with it.  Meaning I get agitated easier.  I'm not sure yet as it's only day 3 of my medication change.  Hopefully I will continue to feel better and feel like getting ready and getting out more.  I'm not sure where I would go, but I'll cross that bridge if I'm lucky enough to come to it because so far I don't like going out of the house.  It's just the initial part of getting out in public that's the hardest for me.  Usually once I'm out there I'm okay.  It's just doing it that's hardest.  So we'll see what happens.  Meantime, as I always say, I'm just taking things one day at a time.  I guess that's all for now, so until next time. 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Chapter 3, Entry 19

Today is Thursday, December 1, 2011.  Now that it's December it feels official...Christmas time is here, so now I feel the pressure and stress, not to mention depression is starting to set in.  I'm feeling the stress of finances, shopping and dealing with crowds, missing family, dealing with traffic, cleaning, putting up Christmas decorations and cooking. Christmas just isn't a good time of year for me. Just dealing with the finances of Christmas alone is depressing. This time of the year is a day to day battle for me.

I don't feel like decorating, cleaning, cooking or shopping.  And all the people going around talking about Christmas and how happy they are just makes me more depressed.  I envy what they have because I don't have it.  Christmas is suppose to be a happy and joyful time of year, when all I feel is stress and depression. 

I was already feeling pressure towards the end of November, but now that December is here it will be worse.  More and more people are talking about shopping, decorating and family.  None of those things are joyful for me, except family would be if I actually got to see them, but I don't even get to see my family for Christmas.  And the thought of going out shopping and dealing with the crowds and traffic horrifies me. 

I really don't know how I'm going to deal with it except to take things one day at a time like I usually do.  It's just that this time of year is particularly harder than any other time of the year.  On top of it all, my husband hates Christmas, so that doesn't make it easier.  If he were to be into Christmas and make it a happier time for me, then it would help me, but he just doesn't care.  How I married someone who hates Christmas is beyond me.  I never would have thought I would have.  I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. 

About the only thing I'm getting done right now is work.  I occasionally work a day or two here and there on the weekends and I barely get through that.  Only thing that gets me through that is because I need the money.  Matter of fact, I work the next two days and I'm so stressed about it already.  I have been all week.  I'm just going to do the best I can to make it through the next two days and think of the money. 

I am still not certain I am even going to put the tree up, not to mention I have no room.  But everyone says I should.  Shopping will probably be last minute.  And sadly, cleaning and cooking probably won't happen.  At least that's how it's looking now.  Well I guess that's all for now.  I'm just going to try and relax as much as I can the rest of the day before having to work the next two days.  Hopefully, I will be successful in calming down some.  So until next time.



About Me

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*Just a little about me, I am originally from a small town in the NRV, just West of the home of the "VA TECH HOKIES". I married in late September 2008 and relocated here to Roanoke, VA. I have one grown son, 28 and two step-children, one-boy, eleven, and one girl, ten. Outside of being on disability, I am also a part-time WAHH... working Wine, Food, Drink & Product Demos/Samplings, and have several small ventures ...everything from internet research, blogger and promotions I enjoy reading, blogging, Social Media & Networking.