Monday, June 25, 2012

Chapter 4 Entry 3

Once again, it's been a while since I've wrote.  Still dealing with the ups and downs, not much difference there.  Right now, I am feeling a little depressed.  I'm not sure why, it just started coming on yesterday.  I just start feeling like I am living for nothing.  What's the purpose?  My life is so mundane and worthless or at least that's how I'm seeing it right now.  I know that I'm really feeling this way because I'm depressed and that it will pass in time, but only until it comes back again the next time.  Sometimes I just get so tired of going through the ups and downs.  And with my medicines, I don't even get any type of highs anymore, just the lows.  

The only thing that gets me through the dark times is my dog.  I love her so much.  She loves me unconditionally and she needs me, so I focus on her.  Hopefully this depression will pass soon.  Actually, what I need is "to get a life".  Instead of sitting around in this house all the time feeling sorry for myself.  But it's tough when you don't have much money or any real friends.  Somehow, someway I need some changes in my life.  That's about all that's on my mind right now, I just wanted to touch base, so until next time! 




Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Chapter 4, Entry 2

Today is Wednesday, April 25th 2012.  I'm feeling okay these days.  Working more than I usually do, so I'm surprised that I'm okay.  At least I'm okay so far.  I was feeling depressed more often than not and I had zero energy.  The doctor changed my medicines up a little at my last visit, so now I am now taking 1mg of Risperdone and 300 mg of Wellbutrin a day.  And she's taken me off the Trazodone all together.  She also suggested I take 1,000 IU of Vitamin D.  I feel some better, but still not where I'd like to be. 

Some days I am so tired it's I have to force myself to even shower.  I still don't like going out of the house that much.  I just don't like dealing with people.  I even have a hard time writing anymore, it's so hard to think and my mind just gets carried away or goes blank. Whenever I'm working I always feel self conscious and less than perfect, actually far from perfect.  I feel as though everyone notices every little thing I do wrong. 

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes.  I wish I was normal, whatever that is I don't really know.  I guess I have never known.   Sometimes I feel so lost and alone.  I often wonder what is the meaning of my existence.  I try to keep myself from thinking those darker thoughts, but they still slip into my mind on occasion.  I just try not to dwell on them.  But for now, I am doing okay, and yes, just "okay", but that is good for me.  Today, I am fighting a bit of depression, as I get when I stay inside the house all day, but I don't have anywhere to go, nor do I want to.  I'm trying to fight these feelings.    Right now, I'm just going to try to relax and just enjoy my time off work until I work again this weekend.  So that's all for now until next time. 










Thursday, March 29, 2012

Chapter 4, Entry 1

Wow, today is Thursday, March 29, 2012!  I haven't wrote since Christmas.  I just haven't been in the writing mood.  I made it through Christmas somehow, it actually went better than I thought it would.  So what's been up lately, well I just went to the doctor Monday and told them how I've been depressed and how totally exhausted I've been, so they changed up my medications.  I'm now taking two Wellbutrins a day instead of one and taking only one risperdone instead of two.  So far, I do feel a little more energy and I feel more alert.  I stopped taking the trazadone all together.  It was to help me sleep.  I am having a little difficulty with the sleep.  I'm waking up every few hours and dreaming like crazy.  So I'm not really resting very well like I should be. 

The doctor told me I have high triglycerides added now to my already high blood pressure, so this is stressing me out.  I'm suppose to eat right and exercise.  I did start exercising in January by getting on the treadmill and walking 35 minutes a day.  But the last few weeks I've been sick, so I've fallen off the wagon.  Now I'm having a hard time trying to get back on.  The eating is the hardest part for me.  It's hard to eat healthy when I have a small grocery budget and my hubby is not interested in eating healthy, so I can't afford to fix two separate meals.  So of course, I've been stressing about that.  All I can do is do the best that I can do. 

My mood seems to be improved with my medication change, but I'm still not sure of what all changes there will be.  I could have some anger issues with it.  Meaning I get agitated easier.  I'm not sure yet as it's only day 3 of my medication change.  Hopefully I will continue to feel better and feel like getting ready and getting out more.  I'm not sure where I would go, but I'll cross that bridge if I'm lucky enough to come to it because so far I don't like going out of the house.  It's just the initial part of getting out in public that's the hardest for me.  Usually once I'm out there I'm okay.  It's just doing it that's hardest.  So we'll see what happens.  Meantime, as I always say, I'm just taking things one day at a time.  I guess that's all for now, so until next time. 

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*Just a little about me, I am originally from a small town in the NRV, just West of the home of the "VA TECH HOKIES". I married in late September 2008 and relocated here to Roanoke, VA. I have one grown son, 28 and two step-children, one-boy, eleven, and one girl, ten. Outside of being on disability, I am also a part-time WAHH... working Wine, Food, Drink & Product Demos/Samplings, and have several small ventures ...everything from internet research, blogger and promotions I enjoy reading, blogging, Social Media & Networking.