Today is Wednesday, December 29, 2010. Lately, I have just been feeling really useless and very antsy and on edge. Nothing has really interested me, not that there really has been anything to interest me. I don't feel like being on the computer, nor watching TV, nor taking a shower and going out anywhere, so what does one do in a case like this. I guess I feel more in a rut than anything and with my Bipolar and Anxieties on top of it, I feel much worse.
I feel so bad about myself these days that it doesn't really do me much good to get cleaned up and go out. I don't like my hair, I feel fat and feel I don't have great clothes to dress in anyway. I just feel totally blah. I honestly don't know what to do to get out of it. I am wanting to start the new year off by going by to the gym and working out, but I'm afraid it will just be like last time and I'll go two months just losing 10 pounds in the last few weeks. I need to see more results than that and quicker. I felt like I worked my butt off for little or nothing. Maybe if I take a fat burner along with working out. I just hope that after January 1st, I can get my butt back into the gym, especially being right now I won't even hardly go out of the house. I thought if maybe if I buy me a couple more new gym outfits and some new shoes, that might help motivate me a little. We'll see what happens.
I'm still taking my medicine regularly, but still feeling more edgy on the Wellbutrin and some depression too. What I really need to do is see a counselor and psychiatrist, but I can't afford to see them on a regular basis. I could go once or twice, but that's about all I could afford, but maybe that's what I need to do, at least I can touch on the basics and talk about my medications. I also need to talk to them about helping me separate what is actually my Bipolar and what is real as far as my not being happy in my life or marriage. I know that isolating myself in this house isn't good, but there's so many reasons why I do. One, I don't ever feel like taking a shower and getting ready to go. Two, I don't feel I look good enough to go out anywhere. Three, I have no one to go with. Four, I don't really have anywhere to go. And five, it makes me a nervous wreck out in public sometimes. It's just a stressful experience and I almost always end up with a bad headache.
So as you can read, I'm am struggling a bit right now. I'm sure part of the depression is having come through the holidays. As for the rest, I've got to figure that out and deal with it somehow. I know I can't keep going on like this for much longer. I need to see a psychiatrist at least once or twice, and get myself out of this house more, as well as get back into the gym. I know those things are good for me and will help, but getting my mindset and motivation to do it is a whole other thing.
I'm going to try to work towards fixing those things and see what happens if anything. For now, I guess that is all. So until next time diary.
Dear Diary, today is Monday, December 20, 2010. I made it though work this past weekend. I worked two days straight, but it was hard. I have a three day weekend to work coming up in January, but I'm not sure sure I can do it. One day I can do, two I can just barely make it through, so three I just really don't think I can. It's too stressful and causes me so much anxiety, not to mention with all the added weight I've gained it's hard physically to stand up for six hours a day each down when my knees, back and feet kill me after the first four hours of the first day. I just thank god I made it through the last two days and it's over.
Today, I am not feeling all that well. Feeling a little depression for some reason. I have the beginnings of a migraine, so I'm sure that's part of it because I don't feel well. The other part is I didn't quite have enough money for Christmas that I wanted. Another $30 would have done it, but oh well. Also making it tough to work, I worked two days with back, knee and foot pain, then I'm finally off only to get a migraine. When does it end? I'm trying not to let it get to me, but sometimes it's hard not to feel defeated by your illness(es). That's one reason I'm doing some writing today, to get my mind off of it, get my feelings out and keep my mind occupied. I'm going to take it easy the rest of the day and just focus on me relaxing and hopefully my migraine will go away and I will start to feel some better.
Now on to Christmas. I was thinking of fixing Christmas dinner on Christmas day, but don't think it's going to happen this year, so I am somewhat depressed about it. Depressed that I won't have my son here for dinner, but then again happy that I don't have the pressure of fixing all that food. And depressed about not quite having enough money, but at least I had enough to make do. So honestly, I have mixed feelings about Christmas.
I guess that's all for today. I'm just going to keep focusing on trying to not be defeated by all these feelings and I'm just going to try my best to push through it. So until next time diary.
Today is Friday, December 17, 2010. Wow, once again, it's been awhile since I last wrote. November I believe it was. They changed my antidepressant from Celexa to Wellbutrin to help me with my low energy level. Supposedly, Wellbutrin will give me a little more energy. I can tell some difference, but not really that much to speak of anyway. What I can tell a difference in though is my anxiety level has increased noticeably. Other than that things have been so-so. I haven't been that great, but I haven't been real depressed as I used to be either. The only thing that worries me now is the anxiety, and more so, the anger that also comes with it. It seems with the medicines I just can't get it quite right. I do away with one bad thing, then gain another. So where do I decide to stop changing the medicines. When do I just accept the results? Or do I?
I've been doing more work with the promos, but I feel I am once again taking on too much, as it's starting to stress me out again and cause me much extra anxiety. I'm feeling pressured more. So, while I need the money, I think I will have to at least cut back on the number of jobs I accept. This may help to cut down on some of the extra anxiety I am feeling. I enjoy getting out some, but the responsibility of it and also the social side of it weighs heavy on me. That's where the anxiety comes into play. And the more I work, the more my husband expects me to work and bring home more money. He's starting to become more dependent on that. He's also pressuring me to feel like I have to work, when I can't nor am I really suppose to be.
I am going to continue on taking my Risperdone and Wellbutrin for now and maybe take my Adivan a little more often when I really need it. Right now, I just want to get through Christmas which is a difficult time for me for many reasons. The pressure of buying gifts and the finances, plus both my parents are deceased and I am away from the rest of my family. Not to mention, I lost my mother right around Christmas, December 13, 2001 to be exact, so Christmas is still a difficult time for me. I get frustrated because Christmas doesn't feel magical or special anymore, but rather a chore. Like I said, I just want to get through it without feeling too depressed or having too much anxiety.
For now, I am okay, feeling a little anxiety, but hanging in. I am so thankful for my little puppy, well she's a year old now, but she's the light of my life. She is so joyus and brings joy to my life, especially at Christmas time. I am so thankful I have her, she is great therapy. I will try to write a little more often than before, but sometimes, I just seem to get writer's block. I don't want to write the same thing over and over again. I've got to go to the grocery store today, so it's going to take the next several hours to talk myself into going, so I better go for now. So, until next time diary.
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