Chapter 2, Entry IV

Dear Diary,  today is Tuesday, June 15, 2010.  I have been pretty depressed the  past couple of days, but none so much as today.  I have barely gotten out of bed today, as I basically made it from there to the couch.  It's a hot, cloudy and dreary day outside, but more than that.  I'm feeling so depressed about my weight and my health because of it.  I just don't feel good about myself at all, not inside, nor out.  Today has been so bad, I broke down and cried to my husband.  My sister and son are coming for a visit tomorrow which I am excited about but also dread because I look so bad, and should be cleaning, but I can't because I am too depressed today. 

And although I know a big part of it is my bipolar depression, it's also the weight and health issue on top of it.  So I have a double whammy going on.  With the weight, I not only look bad, so that I feel bad about myself, but rather I feel so bad physically.  I ache, I'm tired, my feel hurt, my knees, my lower back, my stomach, I can't breath and then I feel so out of control because I can't get control of it.  I don't know what I am going to do about it because right now I just feel overwhelmed, so I am just trying to get through the day.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring or the next day.  Each day, I just keep hoping to find that inner strength needed to persevere and to lose the weight and change my life, but right now, I'm depressed and like I said, just trying to get through today.