Entry 9

Today is Thursday, May 20, 2010.  Unfortunately, things didn't turn out as I'd hoped.  Tuesday started off okay, but by about 4:30 pm I started feeling bad.  I honestly don't know what happened.  My eyes started hurting, then I got these blind spots and couldn't even half see, then a major headache came on.  So needless to say, I didn't make it to the Green meeting that I wanted to go to so badly.  I ended up sleeping most of the evening and all night.  I was so angry and disappointed in myself because I honestly didn't know why that happened. 

I felt better yesterday, though I was still fighting a headache.  My son also came for a visit which was nice.  I have still been in the creative mode though a tad less than before, but still creative nevertheless.  Sometimes my outer shell (body) doesn't seem to want to cooperate with my mind.  This is what I find most frustrating about Bipolar.  No matter what the mood, ups or downs, now that I'm on my medications regularly the occasional blasts of energy levels I had are slim to none now.  That's the down side to being regulated on medication. Your moods are more stabilized, but your phyical energy diminishes.  Often times now, it's just my mind that seems to have the changes in activity and creativeness while my body always feels exhausted.  Every now and then, I do still get those bursts of energy, but not near enough to suit me or what I need to function in the world normally...energywise.

It is such a gorgeous beautiful day outside today!  I am hoping to take my puppy to the park later for a walk.  One thing is for certain though.  I will have to prepare my mind and more or less talk myself into going all day and hopefully in the end, my mind will win out over my tired exhausted body.  As this is pretty much how it is with anything that takes physical activity or requires being in public or being social. 

Most people would never guess that about me, because they think I'm somewhat outgoing.  Truth is, my personality is somewhere in between.... I'm neither an introvert, nor extrovert, but a perfect balance of both.  The problem is my Bipolar and actually even bigger problem is when it comes to my social anxiety.  Again, most people to see me and talk to me in public would never guess what I go through privately, and what I am constantly battling to be out in the world.  It is an inner battle and constant internal fight and struggle within myself.  It may sometimes look effortlessly to the outside world, but is tumultuous to me on the inside. 

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*Just a little about me, I am originally from a small town in the NRV, just West of the home of the "VA TECH HOKIES". I married in late September 2008 and relocated here to Roanoke, VA. I have one grown son, 28 and two step-children, one-boy, eleven, and one girl, ten. Outside of being on disability, I am also a part-time WAHH... working Wine, Food, Drink & Product Demos/Samplings, and have several small ventures ...everything from internet research, blogger and promotions I enjoy reading, blogging, Social Media & Networking.