Chapter 2, Entry IX

Today is Thursday, August 12, 2010.  I am still in a depressive mood and it has gotten much worse.  I've had suicidal thoughts come into my mind.  And it's been a struggle to stay awake and live in the real world, when all I want to do is sleep reality away. 

It's a combination of my personal struggles with Bipolar along with marriage problems and then the car troubles on top of that which have in turn produced even more troubles for me.  Not only is dealing with trying to get my car fixed a problem, but not having a car to drive is presenting to be a problem, very frustrating and depressing for me.  I don't want to be dependant upon anyone in my life for any thing nor for any reason, nor do I want to answer to anyone.  I need to be responsible only for myself and to take care of myself.  I need to be my number one and only priority.   People just don't seem to totally get that I am Bipolar and on Disability for a reason. 

It's like I'm a Bipolar person on Disability trying to act as if I am a normal person in society and I am NOT.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel I need to be and would be better off own my own, as to take care and be in control of my own self and so as not to rely on anyone else, nor have anyone else depend on me.  I mean I do need the help, love and support of family, friends and loved ones around me.  But the key words being "around me".  Not living with me, ordering me, dictating to me or such.

Right now, every day, every moment I am fighting hard to keep the suicidal thoughts out and to focus on moving forwards and getting my car fixed.  I know my first step is to get my car running again.  I just hope and pray it works out.  That's all for now, it's getting late and sleep alludes me, so I need to take my sleep medication and try to go to bed.