Today is Friday, December 17, 2010. Wow, once again, it's been awhile since I last wrote. November I believe it was. They changed my antidepressant from Celexa to Wellbutrin to help me with my low energy level. Supposedly, Wellbutrin will give me a little more energy. I can tell some difference, but not really that much to speak of anyway. What I can tell a difference in though is my anxiety level has increased noticeably. Other than that things have been so-so. I haven't been that great, but I haven't been real depressed as I used to be either. The only thing that worries me now is the anxiety, and more so, the anger that also comes with it. It seems with the medicines I just can't get it quite right. I do away with one bad thing, then gain another. So where do I decide to stop changing the medicines. When do I just accept the results? Or do I?
I've been doing more work with the promos, but I feel I am once again taking on too much, as it's starting to stress me out again and cause me much extra anxiety. I'm feeling pressured more. So, while I need the money, I think I will have to at least cut back on the number of jobs I accept. This may help to cut down on some of the extra anxiety I am feeling. I enjoy getting out some, but the responsibility of it and also the social side of it weighs heavy on me. That's where the anxiety comes into play. And the more I work, the more my husband expects me to work and bring home more money. He's starting to become more dependent on that. He's also pressuring me to feel like I have to work, when I can't nor am I really suppose to be.
I am going to continue on taking my Risperdone and Wellbutrin for now and maybe take my Adivan a little more often when I really need it. Right now, I just want to get through Christmas which is a difficult time for me for many reasons. The pressure of buying gifts and the finances, plus both my parents are deceased and I am away from the rest of my family. Not to mention, I lost my mother right around Christmas, December 13, 2001 to be exact, so Christmas is still a difficult time for me. I get frustrated because Christmas doesn't feel magical or special anymore, but rather a chore. Like I said, I just want to get through it without feeling too depressed or having too much anxiety.
For now, I am okay, feeling a little anxiety, but hanging in. I am so thankful for my little puppy, well she's a year old now, but she's the light of my life. She is so joyus and brings joy to my life, especially at Christmas time. I am so thankful I have her, she is great therapy. I will try to write a little more often than before, but sometimes, I just seem to get writer's block. I don't want to write the same thing over and over again. I've got to go to the grocery store today, so it's going to take the next several hours to talk myself into going, so I better go for now. So, until next time diary.
Today is Thursday, November 11, 2010. I finally went back to the doctor about being so fatigued and sluggish. She changed up one of my medicines, celexa to a stimulant, wellbutrin which is suppose to help rev me up a bit more. So hopefully, this will be the answer. If I can just get enough energy to get out of this rut and get myself back into the gym some, then I'll be much better off. I believe this new medicine will be a much better fit for me. The celexa just seemed to drag me down.
As for everything else, I've been sort of up and down with my mood, but then I do have Bipolar, so that's a given. Although it has been much tougher as of late because of being extremely fatigued. Once again, I am hoping the change in medications will help. I've been trying to do things to keep my mind stimulated by doing my work on the laptop, running errands, housework, tv, and hanging with my friends occasionally. I've also been trying to get out a little more. I am having to force myself and it has been very difficult for me, but I did manage to get out to a couple of new places and met new people. I was very uncomfortable and nervous, but made it though. I just wish I didn't stress so much beforehand about going somewhere, but I do. I worry myself sick until I get there and until it's over. By then, I usually have a migraine or at the least a headache from stressing so much.
With my medication change is suppose to come more energy, but also it should help lift me out of the depressive episodes, at least more than the Celexa did. Also, it is an appetite suppressant and god knows I need to lose any weight I can, even if just 5 pounds. So I'll check back in probably in a few days or perhaps give it a few weeks. So until next time, I'm just going to try to continue to think positive as much as I can.
Wow, it's been since August since I wrote in my online diary. It's been a combination of reasons. I plain forgot is one reason, another is things have been really up and down like a roller coaster since that time. I have been really struggling, mostly with being very fatigued and tired mentally and physically it seems. I've also been having more daily headaches and migraines that usual.
It's hard to say why all this is happening. I am still on the same medications, so I don't really feel like it's anything specifically to do with that. I'm sure it's partly that, but only partly. As for the real culprit, that's a good question, the million dollar question, as least it is to me. I just keep thinking why me? Why do I also struggle so hard just to get out of bed, to do anything for that matter. I really am just so fatigued. It doesn't matter if I've had a good night's sleep or just exercised, I still feel fatigued and worn out. Everything is a struggle to do. Just a walk from my couch to the kitchen can be a struggle.
Doctors just always want to say it's my depression or eat better, sleep better, exercise that will help. Well, depressed or not, I feel this way. And as for the rest, I have done all that and it does NOT help. I don't know what I need to do to get through to them to make them understand. As for my Bipolar, I am doing okay, I could be better I am sure.
I think I am having too many depressive episodes again, but I am holding my own, doing okay which is good because at least I am semi close to being stable, I mean I have my times, but with Bipolar, I will probably always have my times when I struggle. It's just a fact of life I have to live with and come to terms with which for the most part, I think I have now.
Today is Tuesday, August 31, 2010. Today I am feeling much the same as yesterday. I feel okay mood wise, for the most part. But I'm still feeling a little anxious, irritable and some anxiety. Fighting the constant fatigue along with the racing mind/thoughts and anxiousness is tough though because I still feel the need to be doing something at all times, but yet fatigued. It's very frustrating.
This feeling bored, but being anxious is also frustrating. I'm just piddling around from one thing to the next trying to stay occupied one way or another because when I stop and let my mind and the boredom take over, then I start thinking more depressive thoughts and feeling more anxiety. I'll take this mood over the depressive episodes any time though.
I've done just about all the piddling online I can do, so think I'll try to watch a little television for now. I hope my diary of thoughts and my moods help you in some way and help you to understand and relate a little more to Bipolar II. For now, I guess this is all I'll write, so until next time.
Today is Monday, August 30th which happens to be my son's birthday, so Happy Birthday to my son, much love to him! Right now, I am currently out or still in the process of coming out of my depressive state, but I'm still having some issues, especially with the irritability and anxiety, but most has to do with the outside pressures going on with my vehicle. I've been having bad headaches and migraines too. I've been trying to find ways to stay busy as I've started to become sort of hypo manic, so I've been working on my websites, writing/posting on my blogs, cleaning house, washing clothes, walking the dog, going to the store and things like that to try to stay busy, but those things get old. I need some sort of activity to take up my time. I'm hoping to get back in the gym again some once I get my jeep back, but now he tells me he thinks my bearing in my wheel is going out. So it's just one expensive problem after another with my jeep, and I live on a fixed income, so I do NOT have the money to fix this stuff. Now do you see why I have so much anxiety and the jeep is just the tip of the ice burg, my home life isn't exactly peachy.
Right now I just feel sort of manic, like I need to be doing something. Mostly it's my mind that races and that needs to be stimulated. And while I feel somewhat okay and normal, I also feel a bit of uneasiness, anxiety and irritability. I also have a headache again. I'm feeling fatigued which is normal as I always feel fatigued. As for my sleep, I am sleeping better...falling asleep easier and waking a little earlier. I just feel this need that I need to be doing something though. I need to be out somewhere doing something, but what? I have no money and no car right now. One thing I know I need to do at some point is see a counselor, but first I need to see a psychiatrist. I should see a psychiatrist at least once a year. But my insurance co-pay is $40 and I just don't have that. Then outside of that I should also see a counselor on occasion for a few visits, but I can't afford that either. So what does one do? If you can tell me, please let me know.
Maybe NAMI or MHA could direct me to a sliding fee scale or low cost psychiatrist and counselor. I don't know, but it's all I can come up with. I just know I need something. What I really need is a part-time... and I mean VERY part-time like a 20 hours a week job that I can have a little extra money for these things. But with my erratic mood swings and sleep patterns who knows if I could even handle that on a regular basis. I guess I could try. Not sure what I'm going to do next, but I guess this is all I'll write for today, so until next time.
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