Chapter 3, Entry 1

Bipolar II - "A Day In The Life"

Chapter 2, Entry X

Today, Wednesday, August 18th, 2010 I'm still dealing with depression and outside factors as well.  One of my friends got me out of the house Sunday to volunteer doing face painting for the kids of low income families.  That was actually therapeutic for me and helped me in many ways.  I enjoyed getting out of the house and spending time with my friend and the feeling of doing something that mattered by volunteering helped also.  Monday was once again a depressing and very mundane day again.  Today, I only got out of the house to go to the store.  This only being able to go out of the house on occasion to the store or what not is proving to be very detrimental to my mental and emotional well being, especially with already being in a depressed state.  Something has got to give, something is going to have to change and soon.  Even if I get my car fixed something has to change.  Me, my life has to change and I think that things around me are going to have to change.  I don't know for sure how or what yet, but it has to happen for my own well being.  I think I need to see a counselor again too.  I really need to talk my thoughts, ideas and feelings out with someone who has a level head and is impartial. 

It's late now, so that's all I'll write for tonight.  I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to house/dog sit for my brother and sister-in-law for several days which I'm looking forward to.  The time alone will do me good, hopefully it will also help me to think more clearly and make more needed decisions.  So for now, until next time, goodnight.

Chapter 2, Entry IX

Today is Thursday, August 12, 2010.  I am still in a depressive mood and it has gotten much worse.  I've had suicidal thoughts come into my mind.  And it's been a struggle to stay awake and live in the real world, when all I want to do is sleep reality away. 

It's a combination of my personal struggles with Bipolar along with marriage problems and then the car troubles on top of that which have in turn produced even more troubles for me.  Not only is dealing with trying to get my car fixed a problem, but not having a car to drive is presenting to be a problem, very frustrating and depressing for me.  I don't want to be dependant upon anyone in my life for any thing nor for any reason, nor do I want to answer to anyone.  I need to be responsible only for myself and to take care of myself.  I need to be my number one and only priority.   People just don't seem to totally get that I am Bipolar and on Disability for a reason. 

It's like I'm a Bipolar person on Disability trying to act as if I am a normal person in society and I am NOT.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel I need to be and would be better off own my own, as to take care and be in control of my own self and so as not to rely on anyone else, nor have anyone else depend on me.  I mean I do need the help, love and support of family, friends and loved ones around me.  But the key words being "around me".  Not living with me, ordering me, dictating to me or such.

Right now, every day, every moment I am fighting hard to keep the suicidal thoughts out and to focus on moving forwards and getting my car fixed.  I know my first step is to get my car running again.  I just hope and pray it works out.  That's all for now, it's getting late and sleep alludes me, so I need to take my sleep medication and try to go to bed. 

Chapter 2, Entry VIII

Today, is Wednesday, August 4th, 2010.  I was doing fairly well there for a while, but then started to feel depressed the last few days and with that came the feeling of being overwhelmed.  Unfortunately on top of it all my jeep wouldn't start today, so now I'm stressing over all of my jeep problems at once.  I mean I was already stressing over needing a new transmission and a new windshield, which I need by the end of this month or my jeep wont pass inspection, and now on top of it all it won't start.  I'm hoping and praying it's just the battery.  But still, where is all this money coming from...battery, windshield all before the end of this month, then the transmission, then my hospital bills on top of that and my personal property taxes.  So if I have all this to deal with, how can I possibily expect to get my life in order the way it needs to be when it's ass backwards right now.  Then there's the depression.


I'm just trying to hang on and deal with this depression that has set in.  It seems to be a deep depression, so I'm really having to try to push through it.  Right now, I'm not wanting to do anything, nor am I up for anything.  All I feel like doing is crying or sleeping.  It's seems I never have any help, I am always on my own anymore.  I just feel so overwhelmed right now and worried.

Chapter 2, Entry VII

Today is Tuesday, July 6, 2010.  Wow, it's been one week since I've written.  I've been a bit busy.  I worked out or walked at the park everyday last week up until Friday, then I left for the weekend to stay with my son.  Friday night we went to dinner, then came back and watched a movie.  On Saturday, we went to my nieces wedding, then went to a fireworks display.  I came back home on Sunday.  I spent most of Sunday and Monday working on my son's computer.  That was very stressful and upsetting, but I got through it.  The exercise and activity has been helping me get through days much better.  And although, I still have my bad days and struggle, the exercise has allowed me to feel much better and stronger than usual. 

I don't have a lot planned for this week, but I will be working this weekend.  I feel as though I do need to have more activity occupy my time even more so than just going to the gym.  I would like to start getting out more maybe to the pool or hiking...something like that, but then again, right now it's entirely too hot outside to do anything.  So anyway, right now, I'm still doing fairly well.  I did have a few days of depression where I struggled on Saturday, Sunday and Monday, but I'm feeling a bit better, and again, getting back to exercising today helped some too.  That's all for now, so until next time, so long.