Dear Diary, today is Monday, December 20, 2010. I made it though work this past weekend. I worked two days straight, but it was hard. I have a three day weekend to work coming up in January, but I'm not sure sure I can do it. One day I can do, two I can just barely make it through, so three I just really don't think I can. It's too stressful and causes me so much anxiety, not to mention with all the added weight I've gained it's hard physically to stand up for six hours a day each down when my knees, back and feet kill me after the first four hours of the first day. I just thank god I made it through the last two days and it's over.
Today, I am not feeling all that well. Feeling a little depression for some reason. I have the beginnings of a migraine, so I'm sure that's part of it because I don't feel well. The other part is I didn't quite have enough money for Christmas that I wanted. Another $30 would have done it, but oh well. Also making it tough to work, I worked two days with back, knee and foot pain, then I'm finally off only to get a migraine. When does it end? I'm trying not to let it get to me, but sometimes it's hard not to feel defeated by your illness(es). That's one reason I'm doing some writing today, to get my mind off of it, get my feelings out and keep my mind occupied. I'm going to take it easy the rest of the day and just focus on me relaxing and hopefully my migraine will go away and I will start to feel some better.
Now on to Christmas. I was thinking of fixing Christmas dinner on Christmas day, but don't think it's going to happen this year, so I am somewhat depressed about it. Depressed that I won't have my son here for dinner, but then again happy that I don't have the pressure of fixing all that food. And depressed about not quite having enough money, but at least I had enough to make do. So honestly, I have mixed feelings about Christmas.
I guess that's all for today. I'm just going to keep focusing on trying to not be defeated by all these feelings and I'm just going to try my best to push through it. So until next time diary.
Today is Friday, December 17, 2010. Wow, once again, it's been awhile since I last wrote. November I believe it was. They changed my antidepressant from Celexa to Wellbutrin to help me with my low energy level. Supposedly, Wellbutrin will give me a little more energy. I can tell some difference, but not really that much to speak of anyway. What I can tell a difference in though is my anxiety level has increased noticeably. Other than that things have been so-so. I haven't been that great, but I haven't been real depressed as I used to be either. The only thing that worries me now is the anxiety, and more so, the anger that also comes with it. It seems with the medicines I just can't get it quite right. I do away with one bad thing, then gain another. So where do I decide to stop changing the medicines. When do I just accept the results? Or do I?
I've been doing more work with the promos, but I feel I am once again taking on too much, as it's starting to stress me out again and cause me much extra anxiety. I'm feeling pressured more. So, while I need the money, I think I will have to at least cut back on the number of jobs I accept. This may help to cut down on some of the extra anxiety I am feeling. I enjoy getting out some, but the responsibility of it and also the social side of it weighs heavy on me. That's where the anxiety comes into play. And the more I work, the more my husband expects me to work and bring home more money. He's starting to become more dependent on that. He's also pressuring me to feel like I have to work, when I can't nor am I really suppose to be.
I am going to continue on taking my Risperdone and Wellbutrin for now and maybe take my Adivan a little more often when I really need it. Right now, I just want to get through Christmas which is a difficult time for me for many reasons. The pressure of buying gifts and the finances, plus both my parents are deceased and I am away from the rest of my family. Not to mention, I lost my mother right around Christmas, December 13, 2001 to be exact, so Christmas is still a difficult time for me. I get frustrated because Christmas doesn't feel magical or special anymore, but rather a chore. Like I said, I just want to get through it without feeling too depressed or having too much anxiety.
For now, I am okay, feeling a little anxiety, but hanging in. I am so thankful for my little puppy, well she's a year old now, but she's the light of my life. She is so joyus and brings joy to my life, especially at Christmas time. I am so thankful I have her, she is great therapy. I will try to write a little more often than before, but sometimes, I just seem to get writer's block. I don't want to write the same thing over and over again. I've got to go to the grocery store today, so it's going to take the next several hours to talk myself into going, so I better go for now. So, until next time diary.
Today is Thursday, November 11, 2010. I finally went back to the doctor about being so fatigued and sluggish. She changed up one of my medicines, celexa to a stimulant, wellbutrin which is suppose to help rev me up a bit more. So hopefully, this will be the answer. If I can just get enough energy to get out of this rut and get myself back into the gym some, then I'll be much better off. I believe this new medicine will be a much better fit for me. The celexa just seemed to drag me down.
As for everything else, I've been sort of up and down with my mood, but then I do have Bipolar, so that's a given. Although it has been much tougher as of late because of being extremely fatigued. Once again, I am hoping the change in medications will help. I've been trying to do things to keep my mind stimulated by doing my work on the laptop, running errands, housework, tv, and hanging with my friends occasionally. I've also been trying to get out a little more. I am having to force myself and it has been very difficult for me, but I did manage to get out to a couple of new places and met new people. I was very uncomfortable and nervous, but made it though. I just wish I didn't stress so much beforehand about going somewhere, but I do. I worry myself sick until I get there and until it's over. By then, I usually have a migraine or at the least a headache from stressing so much.
With my medication change is suppose to come more energy, but also it should help lift me out of the depressive episodes, at least more than the Celexa did. Also, it is an appetite suppressant and god knows I need to lose any weight I can, even if just 5 pounds. So I'll check back in probably in a few days or perhaps give it a few weeks. So until next time, I'm just going to try to continue to think positive as much as I can.
Wow, it's been since August since I wrote in my online diary. It's been a combination of reasons. I plain forgot is one reason, another is things have been really up and down like a roller coaster since that time. I have been really struggling, mostly with being very fatigued and tired mentally and physically it seems. I've also been having more daily headaches and migraines that usual.
It's hard to say why all this is happening. I am still on the same medications, so I don't really feel like it's anything specifically to do with that. I'm sure it's partly that, but only partly. As for the real culprit, that's a good question, the million dollar question, as least it is to me. I just keep thinking why me? Why do I also struggle so hard just to get out of bed, to do anything for that matter. I really am just so fatigued. It doesn't matter if I've had a good night's sleep or just exercised, I still feel fatigued and worn out. Everything is a struggle to do. Just a walk from my couch to the kitchen can be a struggle.
Doctors just always want to say it's my depression or eat better, sleep better, exercise that will help. Well, depressed or not, I feel this way. And as for the rest, I have done all that and it does NOT help. I don't know what I need to do to get through to them to make them understand. As for my Bipolar, I am doing okay, I could be better I am sure.
I think I am having too many depressive episodes again, but I am holding my own, doing okay which is good because at least I am semi close to being stable, I mean I have my times, but with Bipolar, I will probably always have my times when I struggle. It's just a fact of life I have to live with and come to terms with which for the most part, I think I have now.
Today is Tuesday, August 31, 2010. Today I am feeling much the same as yesterday. I feel okay mood wise, for the most part. But I'm still feeling a little anxious, irritable and some anxiety. Fighting the constant fatigue along with the racing mind/thoughts and anxiousness is tough though because I still feel the need to be doing something at all times, but yet fatigued. It's very frustrating.
This feeling bored, but being anxious is also frustrating. I'm just piddling around from one thing to the next trying to stay occupied one way or another because when I stop and let my mind and the boredom take over, then I start thinking more depressive thoughts and feeling more anxiety. I'll take this mood over the depressive episodes any time though.
I've done just about all the piddling online I can do, so think I'll try to watch a little television for now. I hope my diary of thoughts and my moods help you in some way and help you to understand and relate a little more to Bipolar II. For now, I guess this is all I'll write, so until next time.
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