My Life has been a Struggle

Wow, it's been a long time!  So how's my life been?  Okay, I am really digging deep and opening myself up here.  Life, sometimes it's just so bland and boring.  But I do know I'm fortunate to have a roof over my head and food on the table.  And I try to always keep that in mind, but sometimes, I just get so bored, lonely and discouraged.

I only work occasional part-time outside the home because I get Social Security Disability and have a very limited income.  And then I have to deal with the issues of why I'm on disability and take daily medications to cope.  I do have three online ventures that I enjoy working with, and while they make some income, they're not bringing in enough money right now.  One of my ventures, InCareRx has great income potential, but it takes some time to establish. 

I've lived in Roanoke, Virginia for 5 years now and still don't have any close friends.  I have a few acquaintances but no close friends.  At least none to spend time with, go places and do things.  At the same time, I can't really afford to do much.  My vehicle needs more work, so I don't travel anywhere outside of Roanoke.  I don't get to go see my family back home or go on any trips.  Sadly, I've put close to $1000 into my jeep so far, and it still needs about $700-$900 more probably.  It's drivable, but who knows how long that will last.  And I have a hard time going outside the home, anxiety issues sometimes. 

Sometimes, I feel so lost, lonely and empty.  My husband works night shift Monday through Friday, then has his kids on Saturdays, then it's back to work on Sunday night, so we don't really get to do much.  Besides, my hubby is a total homebody.  When he's off work, he rarely moves from his computer chair.  So hubby is not exactly inspirational or motivational to me at all.  Don't get me wrong, I do love him.  But that's one reason I am the way I am now too.  I use to have so many active people around me.  Always doing things, always on the go.  No more. 

I spend most of my days here at home, more or less isolated.  The extent of my life outside the home is occasional part time work about once or twice a month.  I have trips to the bank, gas station, grocery store and post office.  Outside of those things, there's basically nothing.  I do walk my dog 3/4 a mile almost everyday.   She's the only joy I have.  I love her so much.  She keeps me sane.

I've gained about 45 pounds since I married and moved here almost 5 years ago.  I even tried a running program last fall, but half way through the program I ended up with an ankle stress fracture and had to quit.  I was out of doing anything for about six months.  Then there's the problem with severe fatigue that I deal with now.  So discouraging and disappointing.  It seems I always get roadblocks whenever I do try something. 

Hobbies and interests?  Basically none.  Once in a while, when I get in the mood, I like to read a good book.  And I take my daily walks with Matte.  I watch my favorite shows on television which is what I spend most of my time doing, besides being online.  There's cooking, but I don't really enjoy cooking.  I do it because I have to.  I have flower beds that I love and try to maintain, but I'm not a fan of gardening or weeding them out.  I'm not very creative, so I don't do any kind of arts or crafts.  And I can't afford to do much, let alone outside the home. And on top of it all, I have a huge severe fatigue problem I struggle with.  So I just feel kind of stuck in a big rut. 

Once upon a time, I use to be so active.  In my younger days actually.  I had more money and energy, I wasn't as fatigued and also had friends and family.  We use to go on trips all the time to the beach, the smoky mountains, Atlantic City, NJ, Carowinds, Kings Dominion, dancing, races, festivals.  Then there were cookouts, family visits, trips to the mall or the movies, dining out, etc., etc.  But now, I've lost both of my parents.  I even use to be a big fitness fanatic and worked out 4-6 days a week. 

It's so hard to believe I am that same person I was back then.  Things have gotten progressively worse since I turned 40.  I'm now 48, so the last 8 years or so have been a struggle.  Most everything that was exciting about my life has gone away since those days. 

So often, I find myself wondering what it would be like if things were different.  If I didn't face all the problems and issues I have in my life now.  To me, they are huge hurdles.  I have so many different road blocks and barriers I don't know how to break through them or deal with them.  And I have no one to help me, push me, to lean on or to confide in.   I have nothing to look forward to in life.  The only way I get through it, is I just try to deal with life one day at time.  That and my little dog Matte who brings me joy and is with me day in and day out, right by my side.

I never thought I would end up the person I am today.  I use to always say, I would never let myself get old, fat and find myself sitting home alone in a rocking chair, but that's pretty much how it is, except my rocking chair is the couch.   I don't know what my future holds.  As of now, it looks to hold nothing.  I just try not to think about it or dwell on it, although it's hard sometimes.  I've been here for 5 years and nothing has changed or improved.

I just keep praying to God everyday that things will change for the better, that he hasn't forgotten me or forsaken me.  God has a plan for me, I just have to be patient.  He will lead my path to better things yet to come.  And that he will bring the right people into my life at the right time.

Chapter 4 Entry 3

Once again, it's been a while since I've wrote.  Still dealing with the ups and downs, not much difference there.  Right now, I am feeling a little depressed.  I'm not sure why, it just started coming on yesterday.  I just start feeling like I am living for nothing.  What's the purpose?  My life is so mundane and worthless or at least that's how I'm seeing it right now.  I know that I'm really feeling this way because I'm depressed and that it will pass in time, but only until it comes back again the next time.  Sometimes I just get so tired of going through the ups and downs.  And with my medicines, I don't even get any type of highs anymore, just the lows.  

The only thing that gets me through the dark times is my dog.  I love her so much.  She loves me unconditionally and she needs me, so I focus on her.  Hopefully this depression will pass soon.  Actually, what I need is "to get a life".  Instead of sitting around in this house all the time feeling sorry for myself.  But it's tough when you don't have much money or any real friends.  Somehow, someway I need some changes in my life.  That's about all that's on my mind right now, I just wanted to touch base, so until next time! 

Chapter 4, Entry 2

Today is Wednesday, April 25th 2012.  I'm feeling okay these days.  Working more than I usually do, so I'm surprised that I'm okay.  At least I'm okay so far.  I was feeling depressed more often than not and I had zero energy.  The doctor changed my medicines up a little at my last visit, so now I am now taking 1mg of Risperdone and 300 mg of Wellbutrin a day.  And she's taken me off the Trazodone all together.  She also suggested I take 1,000 IU of Vitamin D.  I feel some better, but still not where I'd like to be. 

Some days I am so tired it's I have to force myself to even shower.  I still don't like going out of the house that much.  I just don't like dealing with people.  I even have a hard time writing anymore, it's so hard to think and my mind just gets carried away or goes blank. Whenever I'm working I always feel self conscious and less than perfect, actually far from perfect.  I feel as though everyone notices every little thing I do wrong. 

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes.  I wish I was normal, whatever that is I don't really know.  I guess I have never known.   Sometimes I feel so lost and alone.  I often wonder what is the meaning of my existence.  I try to keep myself from thinking those darker thoughts, but they still slip into my mind on occasion.  I just try not to dwell on them.  But for now, I am doing okay, and yes, just "okay", but that is good for me.  Today, I am fighting a bit of depression, as I get when I stay inside the house all day, but I don't have anywhere to go, nor do I want to.  I'm trying to fight these feelings.    Right now, I'm just going to try to relax and just enjoy my time off work until I work again this weekend.  So that's all for now until next time. 

Chapter 4, Entry 1

Wow, today is Thursday, March 29, 2012!  I haven't wrote since Christmas.  I just haven't been in the writing mood.  I made it through Christmas somehow, it actually went better than I thought it would.  So what's been up lately, well I just went to the doctor Monday and told them how I've been depressed and how totally exhausted I've been, so they changed up my medications.  I'm now taking two Wellbutrins a day instead of one and taking only one risperdone instead of two.  So far, I do feel a little more energy and I feel more alert.  I stopped taking the trazadone all together.  It was to help me sleep.  I am having a little difficulty with the sleep.  I'm waking up every few hours and dreaming like crazy.  So I'm not really resting very well like I should be. 

The doctor told me I have high triglycerides added now to my already high blood pressure, so this is stressing me out.  I'm suppose to eat right and exercise.  I did start exercising in January by getting on the treadmill and walking 35 minutes a day.  But the last few weeks I've been sick, so I've fallen off the wagon.  Now I'm having a hard time trying to get back on.  The eating is the hardest part for me.  It's hard to eat healthy when I have a small grocery budget and my hubby is not interested in eating healthy, so I can't afford to fix two separate meals.  So of course, I've been stressing about that.  All I can do is do the best that I can do. 

My mood seems to be improved with my medication change, but I'm still not sure of what all changes there will be.  I could have some anger issues with it.  Meaning I get agitated easier.  I'm not sure yet as it's only day 3 of my medication change.  Hopefully I will continue to feel better and feel like getting ready and getting out more.  I'm not sure where I would go, but I'll cross that bridge if I'm lucky enough to come to it because so far I don't like going out of the house.  It's just the initial part of getting out in public that's the hardest for me.  Usually once I'm out there I'm okay.  It's just doing it that's hardest.  So we'll see what happens.  Meantime, as I always say, I'm just taking things one day at a time.  I guess that's all for now, so until next time. 

Chapter 3, Entry 19

Today is Thursday, December 1, 2011.  Now that it's December it feels official...Christmas time is here, so now I feel the pressure and stress, not to mention depression is starting to set in.  I'm feeling the stress of finances, shopping and dealing with crowds, missing family, dealing with traffic, cleaning, putting up Christmas decorations and cooking. Christmas just isn't a good time of year for me. Just dealing with the finances of Christmas alone is depressing. This time of the year is a day to day battle for me.

I don't feel like decorating, cleaning, cooking or shopping.  And all the people going around talking about Christmas and how happy they are just makes me more depressed.  I envy what they have because I don't have it.  Christmas is suppose to be a happy and joyful time of year, when all I feel is stress and depression. 

I was already feeling pressure towards the end of November, but now that December is here it will be worse.  More and more people are talking about shopping, decorating and family.  None of those things are joyful for me, except family would be if I actually got to see them, but I don't even get to see my family for Christmas.  And the thought of going out shopping and dealing with the crowds and traffic horrifies me. 

I really don't know how I'm going to deal with it except to take things one day at a time like I usually do.  It's just that this time of year is particularly harder than any other time of the year.  On top of it all, my husband hates Christmas, so that doesn't make it easier.  If he were to be into Christmas and make it a happier time for me, then it would help me, but he just doesn't care.  How I married someone who hates Christmas is beyond me.  I never would have thought I would have.  I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. 

About the only thing I'm getting done right now is work.  I occasionally work a day or two here and there on the weekends and I barely get through that.  Only thing that gets me through that is because I need the money.  Matter of fact, I work the next two days and I'm so stressed about it already.  I have been all week.  I'm just going to do the best I can to make it through the next two days and think of the money. 

I am still not certain I am even going to put the tree up, not to mention I have no room.  But everyone says I should.  Shopping will probably be last minute.  And sadly, cleaning and cooking probably won't happen.  At least that's how it's looking now.  Well I guess that's all for now.  I'm just going to try and relax as much as I can the rest of the day before having to work the next two days.  Hopefully, I will be successful in calming down some.  So until next time.

 

Chapter 3, Entry 18

Today is Tuesday, November 15, 2011.  I've been feeling a little stressed and anxious.  My son was in a car accident and on top of it he only had liability insurance.  So first I was worried about him being hurt, but he's okay.  But he has lost his car, so now I'm worried enough for the both of us.  He's out of a car, so now he's going to have to go out and buy a new one which I'm worried about because I'm afraid he can't afford a car payment or full coverage insurance. 

So how do I stop this anxiety and worry?  He's my son and I worry.  I don't know how to stop this, but it's eating me up inside.  I'm feeling depressed and have headaches and I feel so anxious...I feel nauseated.  This is real life, not something I'm making up or something that will just go away.  It's real. 

I'm also worried about a new demo I have coming up.  I've never done this particular one before and I'm really nervous about it.  I'm afraid I won't be good enough and that I'll make a fool of myself.  I'm afraid people will ask me lots of questions to which I have no answers.  I really want to do a good job, but I'm just so anxious about it.  And I believe my feelings have real merit.  I have a real reason to feel that way. 

So as you can see, I'm full of anxiety and worry right now.  I'm feeling very depressed about it, but trying to keep my head above water.  I'm barely holding on.  At this point I don't know what I'm going to do to stop it.  If you can tell me, please do.  In the meantime, I just hope and pray this gets better and things go much better than what I think they will. 

Chapter 3, Entry 17

Today is Thursday, October 27, 2011.  Today I'm feeling a bit ansy about working the next two days.  I'm feeling some stress about it though I don't know why.  I just have that overwhelming feeling.  I know it's the same kind of work...the same thing I always do, so why I feel this way I don't know.  I'm still feeling tired.  I started taking vitamin B12 hoping that will help, it's what friends suggested, so I thought I'd give it a try.  So far, I'm still feeling tired, although I've only been taking it a week.

It really does get tiring feeling this way most of the time.  I wish I could be normal for a change.  On occasion, I feel normal, but it doesn't happen often enough nor stick around long enough.  People just don't know what it's like to feel this way all the time, they don't realize how hard it is.  I try to stay as positive as I can, but some days it just seems impossible.  Some days I really struggle to get through.  Today is one of those days.  I thought maybe if I wrote, I could get some of it out and I would feel better.  I'm going to try to change my outlook the rest of the day and see what happens, hopefully I will feel better.   So until next time. 

Chapter 3, Entry 16

Today is Friday, October 21, 2011 and today I'm feeling very anxious and frustrated.  My mind won't stay focused and I can't think.  I have several blogs I use to write on all the time because I was always needing to get it all out.  Now, I have writer's block.  I can't think at all.  It's been this way for months now and I really don't know what to do about it short of just quit blogging.  I use to get in these very creative moods and could write anything, but lately I just draw a blank.  I still feel a need to be creative, but it just won't come which is very frustrating to me. 

I can hardly even focus to write in my diary let alone a blog.  I try and concentrate, but all I draw is a blank.  And then my mind wanders.  I just get so darn frustrated.  I don't know what to do to get it back.  Writing was really my only hobby and now it seems I don't even have that anymore.  I feel like I'm slowly loosing all my creativity.  I feel like it's slipping away and there's nothing I can do to stop it.  I constantly look at different topics and subjects to see if it will trigger anything in my mind, but still I have no luck.  I just can't think.

I don't know if it's my medicines that have done this to me, but ever since I have been taking them I don't have any energy any more and I seem to have lost my creativity.  But on the flip side, my moods are more stable and I don't get as depressed as what I used to or as often.  And I really can't stop taking my medicine, so that's not the answer, but what is?  I'm having a very hard time concentrating and writing in my diary right now.  I'm really having to push myself just to think.  I don't know what the answer is, but I'll just keep praying for one...that's all I can do. 

Chapter 3, Entry 15

Today is Saturday, October 8, 2011.  I am wanting to get out of the house today, but just the thought of getting ready is preventing me from doing so.  Also, thinking about being around and dealing with people once I am out is another thing preventing me from doing so.  I thought about taking the dog for a walk, but I just feel so exhausted.  And what have I done to feel that way?  Nothing.  And I had the right amount of sleep.  It doesn't matter what I do, I'm always tired.  I am so sick and tired of being tired. 


I told the doctor and they put me on Wellbutrin in case it's either the depression or chronic fatigue syndrome because wellbutrin is typically what is prescribed.  It helped a little bit in the beginning...not much, but a little.  Only that didn't last but a few weeks, then it was right back where I started from.


Then I don't want to have to go out and deal with people by myself.  It makes me a nervous wreck and anxious.  I don't do too bad in the store if everyone stays away from me, but if they come near me or crowd me in an isle, then I get really anxious.  I feel lightheaded like I'm gonna pass out. 


So the question is, will I make it out of the house today?  There's probably a 70/30 chance being 70% I won't make it out.  I can sit here and look out the window at the beautiful weather and imagine myself getting ready and then going out and enjoying the beautiful weather...shopping, but then that's only because I'm imagining it.  I can't bring myself to do it. 


I know I'm not like everyone else, I have an illness, but I just wish I could be normal without this illness.  I often wonder what kind of person I'd be if I didn't have this.  Sometimes it hurts and I feel so bad about myself for being this way.  I try to keep in my mind that this is an illness not all my fault, but sometimes it's just hard.  Some days more than others and today is one of those days. 


I guess I will continue to look out the window and imagine and if I get up the strength to go out then great if not, then my illness wins again.  Until next time. 

Chapter 3, Entry 14

Well it's Monday, October 3, 2011.  I just came off of working three days straight which is hard for me.  It's hard for me to get out of the house period let alone to work and especially three days.  It went unusually well as far as my anxiety level went.  I had some stress and anxiety by the third day, especially because my legs and my feet were hurting by the second day, so by the third day I was really in some pain and thought I wasn't going to make it.  I took an extended 15 minute break to try to rest my feet some, it helped for about 30 minutes back into the job, but then I was in pain again.  Somehow, I made it through.  But was very stressed out by the third day because of the pain I was in and worrying about how I was going to make it through.

Usually, I only work two days straight.  But this time, she said she was in a bind, so I did it to help her, but I don't think I'll do it again.  I just can't handle three days mentally or physically.  Today, I feel proud that I did it and made it through, but really don't won't to do that again.  I have such anxiety about having to get ready to go.  Having to shower, do makeup and hair just to go out is stressful to me.  I know it sounds petty, but for me it really is stressful.  I truly hate it. 

Right now, I'm feeling pretty balanced as moods go, but don't know how long this will last.  Maybe just today.  As the week goes by and I stay inside, then the more I get depressed, but at the same time, don't want to go back out.  Once I'm back inside it's like starting all over trying to get back outside.  It never becomes any easier. 

I would really like to get back into the gym, but so far I just can't seem to make myself go.  I hate going out and especially working out around all those people.  I thought maybe I'd go for a walk, but my legs and feet are still hurting, so maybe tomorrow.  I guess that's all for now, until next time.

Chapter 3 Entry 13

Well it's been since July since I've wrote this time.  I've been doing okay.  Had my bad days and good.  I'm home most of the time and that gets to me sometimes.  During those times I tend to get more depressed and have anxiety about it.  And often I become moody.  I just try to realize what's going on and take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.  You'd think I'd be use to these mood swings by now, but I'll never get use to them.  I just keep longing for the day when I could be normal, but I know that day will never come.  I just do the best with what I have.

I've been a bit depressed the last few days because I've been inside the house the whole time and fighting a cold and it's been cloudy and rainy outside.  It's so strange because although I get depressed about not getting out of the house.  It causes me great anxiety to have to get ready and go out of the house.  So it's like I can't win for losing.  Usually once I'm out I'm okay, but getting there is a big to do.  I don't know what I can do about this.  Part of the reason I hate getting ready is our bathroom is so small you can hardly move in there.  I feel claustrophobic.  And the other reason is I don't know, it just stresses me out to have to do it...shower, hair, makeup, getting dressed just so much to have to do to go out.  Crazy I know.  But it's how I feel.  And letting these petty things get to me is so defeating.  That causes me great anxiety in itself.

I don't know what the answer is, I wish I knew.  I can't talk to my doctor because all I have is my regular family doctor whom I see to get my medicines because I can no longer afford a psychiatrist or counselor at $40 a visit.  So I don't have anyone to talk to.  I have to figure the these types of things out on my own.  In the mean time I just do the best I can and like I said, take things one day at a time.  I would write more often but most of my moods are pretty much about more of the same.  I'll try to write a little more often than I have.  But for now that is all until next time.

Chapter 3, Entry 12

Wow, it's been since February since I've wrote in my diary.  I wish I could say it's because I've been busy and life has been great, but that's not the case.  I've still been fighting the depression.  I spend a lot of time inside this house.  There's really no where to go, no one to go with and I don't have any money.  When I do get out it's to get gas, go to the store or take my dog walking.  Those are really the only times I get out.  Truth is I don't even feel like going out because I feel so useless now.  I don't feel like getting ready to go out anywhere.  I just like to hang in the house in my sweat shorts and tank tops.  I'm still taking my medicines regularly.  It's a good thing because I think without them I would be totally suicidal without them.  My dog really helps me, she is good company to me and she is always there with me.  She is the one thing I have to hold on to and can make me laugh.  She loves me unconditionally. 

I know two things that need to happen for me to feel better.  One is to lose weight, but I can't afford to run out to the gym anymore, my neighborhood isn't good for walking and I can't afford a treadmill, so I feel helpless.  Two, I need to get out more.  Although I don't know where I'd go, with whom or what I'd do.  I don't really have but one friend here and she's busy with her life.  Besides, I have no money to spend, so once again, I feel helpless.  I just keep hanging on and hoping that one day those things will change and they will happen eventually.   Hope is all I have.

Chapter 3, Entry 11

I've been having a difficult time lately.  On top of my Bipolar, I've been having frequent migraines, they seem to be centering around my menstrual cycles.  I'm not entirely sure, but what I do know is I'm getting them at least once or twice a month and for two or three days at a time.  They are killer.  I have prescription medication I take, but it only works to a certain extent.  My migraines are very stubborn and persistent.  They are very debilitating.  They also cause me to go into a deep depression because I can't do anything but lay on the couch or in the bed, so then I feel sorry for myself and feel so alone, isolated and bored to death.

I wish I could tell you how to come through something like that, but I honestly don't know how I did it.  I guess just getting through the day, moment to moment because it was tough.  I shed a lot of tears and felt a lot of pain and hopelessness.  I suppose it was a good thing I was on all my medications or it would definitely have been disastrous for me.  I guess what I'm trying to also say here is that medications are definitely important even in times when you may think they're not.  They may just be the one thing that keeps you from going over the edge.  I suppose it was a combination of medications and pure willpower of some sort.  My message today would be the importance of medications, I can't stress that enough.   

Chapter 3, Entry 10

Today is Sunday, January 30, 2010.  Lately, I've been feeling depressed.  It's not too bad, but I guess, bad enough to affect me.  I just keep trying to think positive and to hang on and take things one day at a time.  Some days are okay, some not-so-good.

I think a big part of it is being home all the time.  I am on disability which I am thankful for because I know I could not work a steady job.  I worked up until I was about 43 and I just couldn't handle it and never could hold down a job for long.  It didn't use to be that way, at least not that bad until I got to be in my mid 30's.  I've always had problems and issues, but seems my Bipolar became much worse the older I got.

At any rate, now I am home all the time and I have nothing to do, but watch TV all day or clean.  And most of the time I feel to tired to clean and not to mention I really hate cleaning.  Sometimes I get on the computer, but there's only so much one can do on the computer.  I just get tired of sitting here.  The one thing I miss about work is the socializing.  That's the one thing I lost that I regret.  Now I don't get to socialize much nor have the chance to meet anyone, as I'm home all day with no where to go and no one to go with.  Also with my income being limited now, I can't really afford to do much anyway.  So I'm kind of stuck.  And the one thing I will NOT do is go out by myself to meet people or find things to do.  I have lot's of anxieties, especially that of the social kind. 

So right now I feel bored and alone, just isolated.  Thank God I have my puppy, if not for her I would definitely go crazy.  I clean, cook, watch TV and get on the computer, but that's about it.  The same thing every day.  My husband works most of the time or is either sleeping or on his computer.  He is not social at all either and prefers it that way.  He never takes me out anywhere, well okay, maybe on rare occasions he does.  And it's always on his terms, so I find that more trouble than it's worth.  He doesn't help me with my Bipolar, if anything, he makes it worse.  So as you can see, on top of it all, my marriage isn't in that great of shape either. 

I don't know what the answer to my problem or my depression is.  I can dream a solution, but in reality it doesn't work.  I just don't know the answer.  I don't know what I can do with having my Bipolar depression and social anxiety with no where to go, no one to go with and no money to do anything.  It seems a lost cause.  In the meantime, I keep holding on, hoping that one day, someway, somehow something will change.  The answer will come or help will eventually come.  I guess that's all that's on my mind today, so until next time diary.

Chapter 3, Entry 9

Today is Thursday, January 6, 2011.  Thankfully, I made it through Christmas and New Year's without too much depression.  Typically, depression tends to set in that time of year, so I'm really happy that it didn't this time around.  Not necessarily a New Year's resolution, but it turns out to be that way, I started going back to the gym on Thursday, December 30th.  So far, I've gone Thursday and Friday of last week, then Tue, Wed and today of this week and I plan to go tomorrow, at least I hope to.  We have a plumber coming, so depending on when he comes will probably decide whether I go to the gym or not. 

I have also starting taking a supplement of natural herbs to help me along, a green tea metabolizer that has high reviews.  And I am striving to eat healthier or at least twice as healthy as I was eating before.  In doing these changes, I hope to combat some of the depression of Bipolar and also to help with my CFS.  Hopefully, it will give me a better outlook and feeling overall.  At least that is what I am striving for. 

I am still struggling somewhat with my bipolar of course.  I am having to really push myself to leave the house, but especially to exercise.  I keep having negative thoughts enter my mind telling me what I'm doing is useless and not enough and that I should just forget about it and quit, but I am trying my hardest to overlook those thoughts.  I am just trying to continue on ahead, as much as I don't want to.  I am just trying to take things one day at a time.  That's my motto, to take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time.  I forced myself to go to the mall yesterday and walk around window shopping by myself.  Guess what, I did it!  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I still wouldn't want to do it often.  Just getting out there and doing something like that occasionally in a great thing in itself. 

So for now, I will continue to push myself in going to the gym on a regular basis.  I'm shooting for 5 days a week, but no less than 3.  And hopefully in time, I will not only feel better, but look better as well.  Doctors always say exercise is the best thing you can do for depression, so I am really going to put that to the test this time.  All I can do is try and to do my best.  So I guess that's all for now, until next time diary.

Chapter 3, Entry 8

Today is Wednesday, December 29, 2010.  Lately, I have just been feeling really useless and very antsy and on edge.  Nothing has really interested me, not that there really has been anything to interest me.  I don't feel like being on the computer, nor watching TV, nor taking a shower and going out anywhere, so what does one do in a case like this.  I guess I feel more in a rut than anything and with my Bipolar and Anxieties on top of it, I feel much worse. 

I feel so bad about myself these days that it doesn't really do me much good to get cleaned up and go out.  I don't like my hair, I feel fat and feel I don't have great clothes to dress in anyway.  I just feel totally blah.  I honestly don't know what to do to get out of it.  I am wanting to start the new year off by going by to the gym and working out, but I'm afraid it will just be like last time and I'll go two months just losing 10 pounds in the last few weeks.  I need to see more results than that and quicker.  I felt like I worked my butt off for little or nothing.  Maybe if I take a fat burner along with working out.  I just hope that after January 1st, I can get my butt back into the gym, especially being right now I won't even hardly go out of the house.  I thought if maybe if I buy me a couple more new gym outfits and some new shoes, that might help motivate me a little.  We'll see what happens.

I'm still taking my medicine regularly, but still feeling more edgy  on the Wellbutrin and some depression too.  What I really need to do is see a counselor and psychiatrist, but I can't afford to see them on a regular basis.  I could go once or twice, but that's about all I could afford, but maybe that's what I need to do, at least I can touch on the basics and talk about my medications.  I also need to talk to them about helping me separate what is actually my Bipolar and what is real as far as my not being happy in my life or marriage.  I know that isolating myself in this house isn't good, but there's so many reasons why I do.  One, I don't ever feel like taking a shower and getting ready to go.  Two, I don't feel I look good enough to go out anywhere.  Three, I have no one to go with.  Four, I don't really have anywhere to go.  And five, it makes me a nervous wreck out in public sometimes.  It's just a stressful experience and I almost always end up with a bad headache.  

So as you can read, I'm am struggling a bit right now.  I'm sure part of the depression is having come through the holidays.  As for the rest, I've got to figure that out and deal with it somehow.  I know I can't keep going on like this for much longer.    I need to see a psychiatrist at least once or twice, and get myself out of this house more, as well as get back into the gym.  I know those things are good for me and will help, but getting my mindset and motivation to do it is a whole other thing. 

I'm going to try to work towards fixing those things and see what happens if anything.  For now, I guess that is all.  So until next time diary. 

Chapter 3, Entry 7

Dear Diary, today is Monday, December 20, 2010.  I made it though work this past weekend.  I worked two days straight, but it was hard.  I have a three day weekend to work coming up in January, but I'm not sure sure I can do it.  One day I can do, two I can just barely make it through, so three I just really don't think I can.  It's too stressful and causes me so much anxiety, not to mention with all the added weight I've gained it's hard physically to stand up for six hours a day each down when my knees, back and feet kill me after the first four hours of the first day.  I just thank god I made it through the last two days and it's over. 


Today, I am not feeling all that well.  Feeling a little depression for some reason.  I have the beginnings of a migraine, so I'm sure that's part of it because I don't feel well.  The other part is I didn't quite have enough money for Christmas that I wanted.  Another $30 would have done it, but oh well.  Also making it tough to work, I worked two days with back, knee and foot pain, then I'm finally off only to get a migraine.  When does it end?  I'm trying not to let it get to me, but sometimes it's hard not to feel defeated by your illness(es).  That's one reason I'm doing some writing today, to get my mind off of it, get my feelings out and keep my mind occupied.  I'm going to take it easy the rest of the day and just focus on me relaxing and hopefully my migraine will go away and I will start to feel some better.


Now on to Christmas.  I was thinking of fixing Christmas dinner on Christmas day, but don't think it's going to happen this year, so I am somewhat depressed about it.  Depressed that I won't have my son here for dinner, but then again happy that I don't have the pressure of fixing all that food.  And depressed about not quite having enough money, but at least I had enough to make do.  So honestly, I have mixed feelings about Christmas.


I guess that's all for today.  I'm just going to keep focusing on trying to not be defeated by all these feelings and I'm just going to try my best to push through it.  So until next time diary.

Chapter 3, Entry 6

Today is Friday, December 17, 2010.  Wow, once again, it's been awhile since I last wrote.  November I believe it was.  They changed my antidepressant from Celexa to Wellbutrin to help me with my low energy level.  Supposedly, Wellbutrin will give me a little more energy.  I can tell some difference, but not really that much to speak of anyway.  What I can tell a difference in though is my anxiety level has increased noticeably.  Other than that things have been so-so.  I haven't been that great, but I haven't been real depressed as I used to be either.  The only thing that worries me now is the anxiety, and more so, the anger that also comes with it.  It seems with the medicines I just can't get it quite right.  I do away with one bad thing, then gain another.  So where do I decide to stop changing the medicines.  When do I just accept the results?  Or do I? 

I've been doing more work with the promos, but I feel I am once again taking on too much, as it's starting to stress me out again and cause me much extra anxiety.  I'm feeling pressured more.  So, while I need the money, I think I will have to at least cut back on the number of jobs I accept.  This may help to cut down on some of the extra anxiety I am feeling.  I enjoy getting out some, but the responsibility of it and also the social side of it weighs heavy on me.  That's where the anxiety comes into play.  And the more I work, the more my husband expects me to work and bring home more money.  He's starting to become more dependent on that.  He's also pressuring me to feel like I have to work, when I can't nor am I really suppose to be.

I am going to continue on taking my Risperdone and Wellbutrin for now and maybe take my Adivan a little more often when I really need it.  Right now, I just want to get through Christmas which is a difficult time for me for many reasons.  The pressure of buying gifts and the finances, plus both my parents are deceased and I am away from the rest of my family.  Not to mention, I lost my mother right around Christmas, December 13, 2001 to be exact, so Christmas is still a difficult time for me.  I get frustrated because Christmas doesn't feel magical or special anymore, but rather a chore.  Like I said, I just want to get through it without feeling too depressed or having too much anxiety. 

For now, I am okay, feeling a little anxiety, but hanging in.  I am so thankful for my little puppy, well she's a year old now, but she's the light of my life.  She is so joyus and brings joy to my life, especially at Christmas time.  I am so thankful I have her, she is great therapy.  I will try to write a little more often than before, but sometimes, I just seem to get writer's block.  I don't want to write the same thing over and over again.  I've got to go to the grocery store today, so it's going to take the next several hours to talk myself into going, so I better go for now.  So, until next time diary.

Chapter 3, Entry 5

Today is Thursday, November 11, 2010.  I finally went back to the doctor about being so fatigued and sluggish.  She changed up one of my medicines, celexa to a stimulant, wellbutrin which is suppose to help rev me up a bit more.  So hopefully, this will be the answer.  If I can just get enough energy to get out of this rut and get myself back into the gym some, then I'll be much better off.  I believe this new medicine will be a much better fit for me.  The celexa just seemed to drag me down. 

As for everything else, I've been sort of up and down with my mood, but then I do have Bipolar, so that's a given.  Although it has been much tougher as of late because of being extremely fatigued.  Once again, I am hoping the change in medications will help.  I've been trying to do things to keep my mind stimulated by doing my work on the laptop, running errands, housework, tv, and hanging with my friends occasionally.  I've also been trying to get out a little more.  I am having to force myself and it has been very difficult for me, but I did manage to get out to a couple of new places and met new people.  I was very uncomfortable and nervous, but made it though.  I just wish I didn't stress so much beforehand about going somewhere, but I do.  I worry myself sick until I get there and until it's over.  By then, I usually have a migraine or at the least a headache from stressing so much. 

With my medication change is suppose to come more energy, but also it should help lift me out of the depressive episodes, at least more than the Celexa did.  Also, it is an appetite suppressant and god knows I need to lose any weight I can, even if just 5 pounds.  So I'll check back in probably in a few days or perhaps give it a few weeks.  So until next time,  I'm just going to try to continue to think positive as much as I can.

Chapter 3, Entry 4

Wow, it's been since August since I wrote in my online diary.  It's been a combination of reasons.  I plain forgot is one reason, another is things have been really up and down like a roller coaster since that time.  I have been really struggling, mostly with being very fatigued and tired mentally and physically it seems.  I've also been having more daily headaches and migraines that usual. 

It's hard to say why all this is happening.  I am still on the same medications, so I don't really feel like it's anything specifically to do with that.  I'm sure it's partly that, but only partly.  As for the real culprit, that's a good question, the million dollar question, as least it is to me.  I just keep thinking why me?  Why do I also struggle so hard just to get out of bed, to do anything for that matter.  I really am just so fatigued.  It doesn't matter if I've had a good night's sleep or just exercised, I still feel fatigued and worn out.  Everything is a struggle to do.  Just a walk from my couch to the kitchen can be a struggle. 

Doctors just always want to say it's my depression or eat better, sleep better, exercise that will help.  Well, depressed or not, I feel this way.  And as for the rest, I have done all that and it does NOT help.  I don't know what I need to do to get through to them to make them understand.  As for my Bipolar, I am doing okay, I could be better I am sure. 

I think I am having too many depressive episodes again, but I am holding my own, doing okay which is good because at least I am semi close to being stable, I mean I have my times, but with Bipolar, I will probably always have my times when I struggle.  It's just a fact of life I have to live with and come to terms with which for the most part, I think I have now.