Chapter 3, Entry 12

Wow, it's been since February since I've wrote in my diary.  I wish I could say it's because I've been busy and life has been great, but that's not the case.  I've still been fighting the depression.  I spend a lot of time inside this house.  There's really no where to go, no one to go with and I don't have any money.  When I do get out it's to get gas, go to the store or take my dog walking.  Those are really the only times I get out.  Truth is I don't even feel like going out because I feel so useless now.  I don't feel like getting ready to go out anywhere.  I just like to hang in the house in my sweat shorts and tank tops.  I'm still taking my medicines regularly.  It's a good thing because I think without them I would be totally suicidal without them.  My dog really helps me, she is good company to me and she is always there with me.  She is the one thing I have to hold on to and can make me laugh.  She loves me unconditionally. 

I know two things that need to happen for me to feel better.  One is to lose weight, but I can't afford to run out to the gym anymore, my neighborhood isn't good for walking and I can't afford a treadmill, so I feel helpless.  Two, I need to get out more.  Although I don't know where I'd go, with whom or what I'd do.  I don't really have but one friend here and she's busy with her life.  Besides, I have no money to spend, so once again, I feel helpless.  I just keep hanging on and hoping that one day those things will change and they will happen eventually.   Hope is all I have.