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Today is Sunday, January 30, 2010. Lately, I've been feeling depressed. It's not too bad, but I guess, bad enough to affect me. I just keep trying to think positive and to hang on and take things one day at a time. Some days are okay, some not-so-good.
I think a big part of it is being home all the time. I am on disability which I am thankful for because I know I could not work a steady job. I worked up until I was about 43 and I just couldn't handle it and never could hold down a job for long. It didn't use to be that way, at least not that bad until I got to be in my mid 30's. I've always had problems and issues, but seems my Bipolar became much worse the older I got.
At any rate, now I am home all the time and I have nothing to do, but watch TV all day or clean. And most of the time I feel to tired to clean and not to mention I really hate cleaning. Sometimes I get on the computer, but there's only so much one can do on the computer. I just get tired of sitting here. The one thing I miss about work is the socializing. That's the one thing I lost that I regret. Now I don't get to socialize much nor have the chance to meet anyone, as I'm home all day with no where to go and no one to go with. Also with my income being limited now, I can't really afford to do much anyway. So I'm kind of stuck. And the one thing I will NOT do is go out by myself to meet people or find things to do. I have lot's of anxieties, especially that of the social kind.
So right now I feel bored and alone, just isolated. Thank God I have my puppy, if not for her I would definitely go crazy. I clean, cook, watch TV and get on the computer, but that's about it. The same thing every day. My husband works most of the time or is either sleeping or on his computer. He is not social at all either and prefers it that way. He never takes me out anywhere, well okay, maybe on rare occasions he does. And it's always on his terms, so I find that more trouble than it's worth. He doesn't help me with my Bipolar, if anything, he makes it worse. So as you can see, on top of it all, my marriage isn't in that great of shape either.
I don't know what the answer to my problem or my depression is. I can dream a solution, but in reality it doesn't work. I just don't know the answer. I don't know what I can do with having my Bipolar depression and social anxiety with no where to go, no one to go with and no money to do anything. It seems a lost cause. In the meantime, I keep holding on, hoping that one day, someway, somehow something will change. The answer will come or help will eventually come. I guess that's all that's on my mind today, so until next time diary.
I think a big part of it is being home all the time. I am on disability which I am thankful for because I know I could not work a steady job. I worked up until I was about 43 and I just couldn't handle it and never could hold down a job for long. It didn't use to be that way, at least not that bad until I got to be in my mid 30's. I've always had problems and issues, but seems my Bipolar became much worse the older I got.
At any rate, now I am home all the time and I have nothing to do, but watch TV all day or clean. And most of the time I feel to tired to clean and not to mention I really hate cleaning. Sometimes I get on the computer, but there's only so much one can do on the computer. I just get tired of sitting here. The one thing I miss about work is the socializing. That's the one thing I lost that I regret. Now I don't get to socialize much nor have the chance to meet anyone, as I'm home all day with no where to go and no one to go with. Also with my income being limited now, I can't really afford to do much anyway. So I'm kind of stuck. And the one thing I will NOT do is go out by myself to meet people or find things to do. I have lot's of anxieties, especially that of the social kind.
So right now I feel bored and alone, just isolated. Thank God I have my puppy, if not for her I would definitely go crazy. I clean, cook, watch TV and get on the computer, but that's about it. The same thing every day. My husband works most of the time or is either sleeping or on his computer. He is not social at all either and prefers it that way. He never takes me out anywhere, well okay, maybe on rare occasions he does. And it's always on his terms, so I find that more trouble than it's worth. He doesn't help me with my Bipolar, if anything, he makes it worse. So as you can see, on top of it all, my marriage isn't in that great of shape either.
I don't know what the answer to my problem or my depression is. I can dream a solution, but in reality it doesn't work. I just don't know the answer. I don't know what I can do with having my Bipolar depression and social anxiety with no where to go, no one to go with and no money to do anything. It seems a lost cause. In the meantime, I keep holding on, hoping that one day, someway, somehow something will change. The answer will come or help will eventually come. I guess that's all that's on my mind today, so until next time diary.
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