Chapter 3, Entry 6

Today is Friday, December 17, 2010.  Wow, once again, it's been awhile since I last wrote.  November I believe it was.  They changed my antidepressant from Celexa to Wellbutrin to help me with my low energy level.  Supposedly, Wellbutrin will give me a little more energy.  I can tell some difference, but not really that much to speak of anyway.  What I can tell a difference in though is my anxiety level has increased noticeably.  Other than that things have been so-so.  I haven't been that great, but I haven't been real depressed as I used to be either.  The only thing that worries me now is the anxiety, and more so, the anger that also comes with it.  It seems with the medicines I just can't get it quite right.  I do away with one bad thing, then gain another.  So where do I decide to stop changing the medicines.  When do I just accept the results?  Or do I? 

I've been doing more work with the promos, but I feel I am once again taking on too much, as it's starting to stress me out again and cause me much extra anxiety.  I'm feeling pressured more.  So, while I need the money, I think I will have to at least cut back on the number of jobs I accept.  This may help to cut down on some of the extra anxiety I am feeling.  I enjoy getting out some, but the responsibility of it and also the social side of it weighs heavy on me.  That's where the anxiety comes into play.  And the more I work, the more my husband expects me to work and bring home more money.  He's starting to become more dependent on that.  He's also pressuring me to feel like I have to work, when I can't nor am I really suppose to be.

I am going to continue on taking my Risperdone and Wellbutrin for now and maybe take my Adivan a little more often when I really need it.  Right now, I just want to get through Christmas which is a difficult time for me for many reasons.  The pressure of buying gifts and the finances, plus both my parents are deceased and I am away from the rest of my family.  Not to mention, I lost my mother right around Christmas, December 13, 2001 to be exact, so Christmas is still a difficult time for me.  I get frustrated because Christmas doesn't feel magical or special anymore, but rather a chore.  Like I said, I just want to get through it without feeling too depressed or having too much anxiety. 

For now, I am okay, feeling a little anxiety, but hanging in.  I am so thankful for my little puppy, well she's a year old now, but she's the light of my life.  She is so joyus and brings joy to my life, especially at Christmas time.  I am so thankful I have her, she is great therapy.  I will try to write a little more often than before, but sometimes, I just seem to get writer's block.  I don't want to write the same thing over and over again.  I've got to go to the grocery store today, so it's going to take the next several hours to talk myself into going, so I better go for now.  So, until next time diary.