Chapter 3, Entry 8

Today is Wednesday, December 29, 2010.  Lately, I have just been feeling really useless and very antsy and on edge.  Nothing has really interested me, not that there really has been anything to interest me.  I don't feel like being on the computer, nor watching TV, nor taking a shower and going out anywhere, so what does one do in a case like this.  I guess I feel more in a rut than anything and with my Bipolar and Anxieties on top of it, I feel much worse. 

I feel so bad about myself these days that it doesn't really do me much good to get cleaned up and go out.  I don't like my hair, I feel fat and feel I don't have great clothes to dress in anyway.  I just feel totally blah.  I honestly don't know what to do to get out of it.  I am wanting to start the new year off by going by to the gym and working out, but I'm afraid it will just be like last time and I'll go two months just losing 10 pounds in the last few weeks.  I need to see more results than that and quicker.  I felt like I worked my butt off for little or nothing.  Maybe if I take a fat burner along with working out.  I just hope that after January 1st, I can get my butt back into the gym, especially being right now I won't even hardly go out of the house.  I thought if maybe if I buy me a couple more new gym outfits and some new shoes, that might help motivate me a little.  We'll see what happens.

I'm still taking my medicine regularly, but still feeling more edgy  on the Wellbutrin and some depression too.  What I really need to do is see a counselor and psychiatrist, but I can't afford to see them on a regular basis.  I could go once or twice, but that's about all I could afford, but maybe that's what I need to do, at least I can touch on the basics and talk about my medications.  I also need to talk to them about helping me separate what is actually my Bipolar and what is real as far as my not being happy in my life or marriage.  I know that isolating myself in this house isn't good, but there's so many reasons why I do.  One, I don't ever feel like taking a shower and getting ready to go.  Two, I don't feel I look good enough to go out anywhere.  Three, I have no one to go with.  Four, I don't really have anywhere to go.  And five, it makes me a nervous wreck out in public sometimes.  It's just a stressful experience and I almost always end up with a bad headache.  

So as you can read, I'm am struggling a bit right now.  I'm sure part of the depression is having come through the holidays.  As for the rest, I've got to figure that out and deal with it somehow.  I know I can't keep going on like this for much longer.    I need to see a psychiatrist at least once or twice, and get myself out of this house more, as well as get back into the gym.  I know those things are good for me and will help, but getting my mindset and motivation to do it is a whole other thing. 

I'm going to try to work towards fixing those things and see what happens if anything.  For now, I guess that is all.  So until next time diary.